


Dropping In: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Wyrd

by hauntedmusings



Category: Changeling: The Lost, World of Darkness (Games)
Genre: ...sorta, Family Drama, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Late Chapter Fetch Violence, Mad Science, Mad Scientists, Minor She-Ra Season 1 spoilers?, Nonbinary Character, Not extremely canon compliant?, Past Abuse, Recovery, Slice of Life, sibling relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29629170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hauntedmusings/pseuds/hauntedmusings
Summary: Laura Kreuger is very fond of her brother, Alex. She is proud of him for being able to bounce back and get his life together after being thrown in the midst of family tensions 5 years back. She's not sure how to cope when, one day, Alex comes home- with fabulously new, worrisome eccentricities.
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure who I wrote this for. Probably myself? Enjoy my therapy, Changeling tag.
> 
> This project was going to be one quick drabble for my CtL campaign, but it quickly got away from me, furiously mutating and taking on a life of its own that overpowered me and caused me to black out in a fugue and wake up 2 weeks later with a full novella first draft in my lap. It's been months since I've finished, and I've gone back and forth between posting it- even now, I keep going back and nudging bits of the story around, but I think I'm ready to move onto other projects and release this onto the internet as is, if only so it'll stop waking me up at night and whispering "Post meee!". After all, this story turned out to mean a lot to me- and it gave me a new favorite to write about.
> 
> One more thing, because it's a piece of information that was known by it's original intended audience: The main changeling featured in this fic, by the time they make it to a Freehold, is dangerously radioactive to the point where they can not interact safely with most lifeforms. There, that'll be nice and easy and quick to forget! Enjoy.

Alex Kreuger was returning from his Thursday night Economics class, hoisting behind him a backpack that was nearly- but not quite- the same shade of beige as the khakis he wore. He was taking a shortcut home- as he did every day, on the hour, on the minute, like clockwork. He rather enjoyed finding shortcuts to maximize his day. Everything he was learning here taught him that maximization was a key to a productive existence. That was why he was taking night classes, after all- many of his peers told him how lucky he was to have scored that (paid, of course) internship at Coastline Energy Corp.

Alex knew that luck had nothing to do with it. 

No, he knew that it was because he, unlike all his classmates, was  _ built  _ for this level of precision. There was no room for things like luck and chance in Alex’s world. What kind of businessman would he be, if that were the case? No, what Alex had on his side was a master plan. A life schedule. 

It was color coded.

Where all his peers would soon burn out if they planned every moment of every day, Alex found that he could thrive in it- and he wouldn’t even have to develop a caffeine addiction to make it work. Something came very natural to him, when it came to trimming out human needs like  _ sleep  _ without sacrificing important things like performance. He didn’t know what it was, so he just assumed what seemed obvious to him- that he, above everyone, was special. That he, out of everyone here, he was the one  _ best  _ equipped for a life of enterprise, and everyone else here with the bags under their eyes and their shirts untucked were just fooling themselves.

He straightened his square glasses up his nose, and pushed the beige backpack up over his shoulder. His backpack was full of well organized, clean notebooks, on subjects like “Accounting” and “Principles of Management”, and complete with little tabs and color coded notes. For all he looked down on his less organized classmates, he had rather found himself at Business School. There was something very satisfying about making himself indispensable, about making connections with others that had a similar sense of realism as he did about the prospects of the future. And he didn’t mind how many of his teachers were whispering the words “model student” behind his back.

Alex’s wristwatch made a series of tiny little chimes, to signal the turning of the hour, just as he, too, turned down the street. He smiled at the precision of it, as he lifted his hand to turn off the alarm. Yes, everything was going according to-

And then a glowing skeleton in a lab coat jumped out of the bushes, and shot him with a Freeze Ray on the spot.

Xeno Cherenkov, the aforementioned gunperson, was admittedly slightly more than a skeleton- xe had skin and organs and muscle and body fat and all the little bits that go between, for example, but you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise, as they were not _nearly_ as noticeable in the dark of this alleyway in the night as the cyan bones that glowed ominously through xer skin. Xe looked to some- for example, to Alex’s eyes- like a living X-Ray, like xer skin was a piece of black paper held up against xer own constant, internal light. Xer eyes glowed with bright, uninterrupted white light. With the white labcoat billowing behind xer, and xer green goggles over xer head, xe looked every bit the neon mad scientist.

Xe also looked exactly like Alex, currently popsicled beside xer. Exactly exactly. Like they were twins.

It was the strangest thing about xer, and the easiest to miss amidst the light show. However, to eyes that  _ weren’t  _ Alex- perhaps, if someone untouched by the Hedge was passing by to witness this absurd scene- it was plain. To someone like that, once you took away the glowing bones and electric blue skin and the white hair that floated behind xer in a constant whirl of static, Xeno looked an awful lot  _ like  _ Alex. Same skintone, same weight, same face, same prescription lenses, same outward slope of the nose- they could be twins, even. The only difference was that perhaps Alex had an inch or two on xer, Xeno’s long, white hair, and, most obviously- the myriad of scars and clean surgical stitches that spread across the whole of Xeno’s body, from the tips of xer fingers to a mess of asymmetrical lines across xer face.

Xe breathed in. 

Xe breathed out. 

“Hhhokay, alright, okay--” 

Xe sounded equal parts relieved and jumpy as xe stood over the student’s frozen visage, keeping the gun pointed in case movement stirred- but relaxing as the stillness never broke. Xe pulled a hand away from the gun and waved it back and forth, finally letting xerself feel the recoil, and the jitteriness that had come with xer plan of attack. 

Clicking xer tongue, xe reached into the absurd pockets of business major’s khaki’s- brushing out just a little frost- and, with two careful fingers, retrieved a cellphone in a thick, otter case. Xe pried it off- it looked to have taken most of the frost damage. It took the warmth of holding it in xer hands, and tapping xer finger against it a couple times before it responded, but it did. Then, it was a quick matter of scrolling through the contacts list, pressing that little green button, and--

Xeno held the phone up to xer ear. One foot tapped the ground nervously, as the phone rang. Eventually, a groggy, tired voice answered.

“...Alex?”

“-Laura!” Xeno exclaimed, grinning ear to ear. Xe could hardly hide the excitement. Unsure who else to share it with, xe turned to the frozen figure beside xer, and pointed to the phone with a sort of  _ “Can you believe it?” _ Alex said nothing.

“Hey, Laura, long time no see! Where are you? We should get together sometime! Maybe now, maybe immediately- You have to tell me  _ everything! _ ”

“Alex, what are you…” There is slight rustling on the other side of the line. She sounded groggy. “Aren’t you in your night classes right now?”

“Um-” Xeno looked over to the frozen backpack beside xer. “I... just got out? But, ah, that-- doesn’t really matter. I’m telling you, my evening is open, and I’ve been  _ dying  _ to see you for- you don’t even know  _ how  _ long!”

“Don’t you have homework or something?” She was starting to sound more awake now, but- must have realized how short she still sounded in that sentence. On the other line, Laura rubbed her forehead, and tried to laugh. 

“Sorry, no, it’s not that I’m not happy to hear from you, Alex- you’re normally just so  _ busy, _ you know?”

“Yes, well-- Schoolwork isn’t- really- going to be a problem from now on, because,” Xeno looked over, making eye contact with the frozen statue beneath.

“I’m,”

Alex’s eyes trembled furiously behind the ice.

“Dropping out!” Xeno turned away from the statue. Laura couldn’t see the singular jazz hand xe was making, but xe felt the need to make them anyway. There was a thumping noise on the other side, and then Laura exclaiming,

“What!? I mean-  _ what?  _ You’re kidding, right? I thought it was going well- Don’t you  _ live _ there?” 

“I’ve got a car,” Xeno said, with a shrug. “I’ll make it work.”

“Um,  _ no,  _ no brother of mine is living in a  _ car.”  _ Laura said, with more emphasis. “Christ, Lex- Are you  _ sure? _ It isn’t like you to be so damn impulsive-”

“-Yes, I’m sure.” Xeno said, settling into a more serious tone of voice. ”It’s- It’s really not for me, okay. Just trust me. I don’t even know  _ why,  _ or just, WHAT, on  _ Earth- _ ” Xe casts an angry glare over to xer frozen twin, raising xer voice in case he can hear xer. “-Would come over _ me  _ to wind up in  _ Business School,  _ of ALL the places-”

“Wow, okay-” Laura took a breath. “Sounds-- like maybe things are less hunky dory over there than I thought. Are you  _ really  _ putting aside your living situation for this?”

“There is no hunky,” Xeno shook xer head gravely. “There is no dory.”

“Well, there  _ is  _ still Dory, she’s just all over my bathroom-” The sound of the rustling of clothes, perhaps either standing up, or finding a coat. When Laura speaks again, it’s with a decisive sort of certainty. “Okay, I can- If it’s that bad, I’ll- meet you tonight. We’ll talk about options. There is  _ no  _ way I’m leaving you out on the streets again, Mom and Dad can stick my guest bed  _ right  _ up their-”

“...Thanks, Laura.” Xeno said, suddenly sounding a little softer than xe had a moment before. As Xeno hung up the phone, xe exhaled, suddenly jittery with relief and excitement. This was- actually happening. Xe was actually getting xer life back. Xe could cry. Or scream? One of those things.

-However, that would have to come later. Xer eyes slowly turned to the icicle of fury standing next to xem. Judging by the arsenal of daggers xe was being glared at with, he was- probably conscious in there.

When Xeno returned to the mortal world, it was a shock to discover that xer name was still being used, that no one had even noticed xe was gone. The decision to freeze Alex instead of killing him was a strategic one- for one thing, xe wasn’t sure  _ what _ something like him was capable of. There was only one thing with the power of conjuring up a living, twisted reflection- and xe had just escaped from it’s clutches.

The second reason xe chose the freeze route was simple- xe didn’t know what he  _ was  _ yet. Xe wanted to understand everything about the hidden world that had taken xer. Xe had escaped from the world of the fae with empty pockets- albeit stolen pockets, depending on how you wanted to think of the labcoat. There was nothing to study, no physical proof of what xe had been through- except xer  _ Fetch _ .

Xe lifted the freeze ray, and applied another coat just to be sure. Xe layered it over the face until his furious expression vanished. Xe sighed.

“Hhhalright, let’s get you to the storage locker-”

* * *

Laura’s house was altogether too perfect, too sublimely suburban for Xeno to really believe. She was always rushing to grow up, but she'd gone and become a bona-fide adult while xe wasn’t looking. It was a little surreal, to walk through that front hall, to look at the photos of her in her wedding dress, with a husband who’s face xe only barely recognized as having been a passing friend to Laura last time xe was around. But that was then- xe’d been to a different world and back since. Xe supposed it  _ shouldn’t  _ be all that surprising- Laura was older than xer by a margin that was larger than the average sibling. It was another mark of their parents’ little planning, when it came to kids- Xeno had already been certain xer existence was  _ some _ sort of cosmic accident by the time anyone made it clear to xer.

There weren’t any photos of mom and dad around. That, xe was quick to notice, and xe understood it quietly. 5 years wasn't enough to repair that. However, what became more pertinent was what Laura  _ did  _ have plenty of photos of-

“You got  _ tykes _ ?” Xe said, pointing a finger at the photo. Laura raised an eyebrow. 

"...Don't act like you haven't met Charlie and Olivia, buddy."

"-Er, right!" Xe tried to grin, clapping xer hands together. "I was - simply complementing the quality of your infestation."

_ Saved it. _ It's like xe was never kidnapped and exposed to an alien world of horror and madness that corrupted their social skills in the first place.

Laura just stared, and- when the seconds stretched on a moment too long, forced out a laugh. 

“Man, you got weird all of a sudden…” She said, with a sort of mocking appreciation. It had to be appreciation, xe reminded xerself. She was xer sister. 

“Anyway, uh-” The coat closet clattered as Laura made room to squeeze in her own coat. “Guest bedroom is upstairs, If there’s any overflow with your stuff, just go ahead and put it out in the garage.”

Xeno whipped xer head towards Laura and blinked, staring at her incredulously. 

“...What?

“You have an entire  _ garage _ and you’re making me stay in the  _ guest room-!? _ ”

* * *

There’s a trope that was popular in superhero media, one that hit it’s peak around the atomic craze of the 1950s. Your green glowing rocks and your kryptonites were much more likely to be strange, exotic anomalies rather than inherently poisonous. Nobody had really realized yet the  _ limits  _ of radiation, and, at the time, the public consciousness thought of it as exotic, possibly even a  _ healing _ force. In the western world, the atomic force was propelling them towards a bright, nuclear future. It seemed as believable an explanation as any for mutations and super powers- but, then again, it was a fascination born out of ignorance, and as soon as people were able to close the gaps in their understanding and come to realize how  _ dangerous  _ the hazards of radiation were, the less it became a source of endless possibility. 

When you don’t know a lot about what something is capable of, and you dress it up in neons and spectacle- one might believe it can do  _ anything. _

Before nuclear power, it was lightning. You run a bolt of electricity through the cadaver of a frog, causing it’s muscles to contract and it’s legs to jump- and catching the furied imagination of Victorian scholars everywhere until it worked it’s way over to the mind of one Mary Shelley, who spun it to a fantastical extreme that gripped our collective imaginations. All it takes is one breach of heightened absurdity- one dead frog with muscles that still spasm, one trick of science and strangeness- for the imagination to leap to world breaking possibilities. Maddening possibilities, like stitching meat together and running it through with lightning and then watching it walk.

Nowadays, sci-fi was turning to fuel their devices on fantasies of quantum mechanics, a subject as strange and world breaking as any and ready to be mad invention’s next lightning fission. That, and there was always dark matter, of course- a form of matter defined by how little we know about it. Xe was planning on keeping an eye on those mysteries- but xe was sure it would come to lose its shine as soon as people understood it. 

As real as these pieces of spectacle are, they were only limitless in the  _ fictional _ sense, of course. But Arcadia- oh, Arcadia  _ runs  _ on the blood of mystery and abstraction. It was like dark matter made  _ real. _

Xeno didn’t know what to _call_ the forces surrounding the fae, the ones that give life and magic to anthropomorphized concepts- but it was better than lightning, better than nuclear power, because it _worked._ Poetry was the flesh and blood of the fae, it’s a life force that is a marriage between rhyme and reason. Xe had walked out with the essence of Arcadia burned in xer bones, and xe could damn well harvest _lightning_ if xe wanted. 

Xeno was a builder, a crafter, a  _ scientist _ \- and xe was here to push this revelation as far as it would take xer. 

Machines xe built through this field were a peculiar sort. Xeno seemed to project some sort of field, bridging the gap between science and belief. The logic doesn't have to actually make sense down to it's smallest mechanisms, it just had to _feel_ like it made sense while xe was wielding it, and the machine would behave as so. It was a science founded on senselessness, a study of absurdity. All that it required to work was one kernel of truth to be taken, and heightened to a reality beyond this one's control. When handed an energy that alters reality, what better way to use it than to break that reality’s limitations? Anything you make through such a science would be about as fragile as the reasoning, of course. Any machine, any solution would be virtually a glass canon. One could theoretically break a machine by simply _arguing_ with it until the logic broke down.

Xeno hadn’t really landed on a proper name for this field of study. As far as xe knew, xe was the only one pursuing it. But xe had  _ sorta _ settled on calling it “Science”, with pronounced air quotes.

The garage was beautifully empty, ready to be pioneered by the madness xer hands were capable of. As Xeno stepped through, xe could practically hear the _"world of pure imagination" instrumental_ playing in the back of xer mind, as xe pictured all the marvelous crimes against the dimensions xe could fill this space with. Yes, yes, this would do nicely. Xe could make a home out of place. Xe could make a _home._


	2. Chapter 2

Laura had made a comment or two about the lack of stuff Xeno had with xer when xe moved into the guest room, but that changed the second time xe came around with the nonsense from the storage locker. Cardboard boxes full of scrap metal and wires, large pieces of equipment with complicated buttons- Laura watched as xe filed in and out, stirring her coffee cup with her eyebrow raised.

She came down the steps of the back porch, following xer into the garage. Her sibling had a phone pressed between xer ear and xer shoulder, hands busy with a box labeled “NOT RADIOACTIVE”, and seemed a shade exasperated with whoever was on the other line.

“No, listen, look, I’m not coming back, it’s- it’s your dorm now, okay? Consider it all a present!” The cardboard box thumped loudly as it hit the metal table. “Well they’re _your_ family photos now, congrats! Isn’t there a- just- goodwill or something nearby? Campus dump? I honestly don’t care about any of it, just go ahead and light it on fire and use it for some interpretive art project- Well it’s not _my fault_ there isn’t an arts program-”

Laura moved closer. She realized, xe hadn’t noticed her. She grinned, walking on the balls of her feet, sneaking along behind xer, looking to take advantage of the moment.

“-Okay, look, I’ll- get back to you on the laptop, at least, okay? But- Other than that, I’m- Yeah, I’m moving on with my life. _Shoot,_ a Macbook? Nevermind-”

Xeno hung up. Xe sighed. Xe deflated halfway into xer cardboard box. Laura crept in, let the silence hang for a moment, then- when she was sure the timing was right- barked out with full volume,

“BAH!”

 _“_ NO _NO NO--”_

Xeno let out a genuine shriek of a scream, arms frantic and shaking. By the time xe had whirled around, facing Laura with wide, wild eyes- xe had buried xer hand in the box. Over the cardboard lid, Laura made out what she figured _must_ have been the handle of some goofy squirt gun, halfway withdrawn while Xeno stared at her, frozen.

“Got _youuu!_ ” She said, letting out a slow, wheezy laugh and clapping her hands together. Xeno flinched at the noise. Xeno said nothing. Laura’s laughter slowed, and she nudged xer shoulder, a movement that felt like pushing through a wet paper bag for the way Xeno recoiled.

“...Jeez, Lex! Take a chill pill, I didn’t mean to _scare_ you, scare you.”

“Don’t... Don’t do that.” Xe was finally breathing, but it came with shaking, with trembling. “Don’t do that Laura, I could have-”

Xe glanced to the box. Xe unwound xer hand from the handle of the “squirtgun”, letting it clank and fall back into place. Xe could still feel the indentation of the metal on xer hand.

“Also, what is with all this stuff?” She said, waving to the various accoutrements stuffed into the garage. She raised an eyebrow, not sure what she was seeing when she was looking at the barrel of a laser, or the arms of a robot- but recognizing the hardware and the drills and the masks as evidence of heavy duty building.

“I mean… This stuff isn’t going to be dangerous to the kids, is it?”

Laura waited for xer to say something more- to address her concern first, or, at least crack a joke, maybe a smile. But Xeno did neither of these things, and the longer the silence stretched on, the more confused and uncertain Laura became about her younger sibling. After a while, she coughed.

“...Anyway, I just, uh, wanted to tell you that dinner is soon.” Laura said, cupping her mug.

“Y… Yeah, sure.” Xe was speaking, but xe sounded far away, all of a sudden. 

Laura backed out of the garage, watching xer, and stopping at the door in case xe did something more- but xe didn’t. Laura left, climbing back up the steps to her house, while Xeno stayed, and gripping the edge of the table.

Xeno returned inside, following up on Laura’s invitation for dinner only 30 odd minutes late. Upon returning inside, xe was met with a cloud of steam emanating from the kitchen- In xer experience, clouds of smoke were usually a sign things were going spectacularly wrong, so xe correctly surmised things were running late. Besides, Laura would have gone out and grabbed xer from the garage before dinner started in proper. She was always like that- insistent on building the structures of a normal family, making people participate in that. Xe was sorta grateful- xe wasn’t sure xe would have had a place to go after _the Hospital_ if she wasn’t so righteously involved.

Xe watched, from across the hall, as Laura and her husband- a dorito shaped man xe faintly recalled as being some stick in the mud named either Landon or Logan- struggled to get something out of a beeping oven. They might have needed the help, but- Xeno wasn’t confident in any form of food prep that required more steps than irradiating it in a microwave. Xe angled off to the side, instead wandering towards the portion of the house with sound effects and zappy music. Xe stumbled into a living room, and- smiled when xe recognized the brightly colored program on TV. 

What xe recognized less were the pair of 3-4 year olds crouched in front of it. Charlie and Olivia, right?

“Ooh, who’s your favorite?” Xeno said, plopping down between them. “Mine’s Entrapta!”

Olivia blinked. Then, she crossed her arms, indignantly. “Isn’t she a villain?”

“Oh, she _is,_ but mostly, she’s on the side of _science!_ ” Xe replies, with a grin. “It just happens to align with Hordak’s needs. Honestly, if you examine her character arch she-”

“You can’t like villains!” She said, insistently. “They’re _mean_.”

“I like villains!” Charlie chimed in. 

“My little _dude!_ Now, who’s _your_ favorite?” Xeno immediately grinned, raising a hand to high-five the tot. It was absurd how soft the high-five was from Charlie’s tiny tot hands. Xe wanted to cry about it. 

“I like Catra. She’s a cat lady and she moves like she’s dancing,” 

“Charlie likes villains because he’s wrong,” Olivia said, sagely. Xeno was pretty sure she was an older sister, due to the sheer amount of Laura xe saw in that single sentence alone. Olivia continued explaining.

“Charlie’s wrong about lots of things a lot. Like he keeps talking about dancing, but mom says that’s dumb.”

“Hey, now, wait a minute!” Xeno said, already defensive of this toddler xe’d known for all of five minutes. “Charlie’s not dumb, you’re d- _Wait_ , no, 4, I can’t insult you. Damn it all, you’re invincible!”

“Alright, kids, dinnertime, no more TV!” Laura called in, to which Charlie and Olivia pouted out an _“Aww”_. Laura was about to leave them to it, then- paused, doing a double take at her sibling’s rapt interest. 

“Aren’t you a little too old for that kinda stuff?”

Xeno looked to the TV, then back to Laura. 

“I- don’t see why?”

“Alright,” She says, although it’s with a mocking eye roll, as she moves back into the kitchen.

Dinner was steak, which, honestly, shouldn’t have bothered xer. It was annoying that it bothered xer. Xe had been surviving off the cosmic equivalent of soggy toast for years- xe wanted to _welcome_ anything that had more flavor than a saltine.

And as soon as the clattering of knives against plates began, Xeno felt a sort of tension grip xer bones, seizing xer up from the inside out. Xe had watched Laura’s husband slice cleanly into his own steak, watched the knife move back and forth with intent and grace, watched as the jus pooled out onto the plate, watched it for _just_ a second long enough to have the intrusive thought, _“I wonder if I cut that easily,”_ before deciding the only safe place to look was directly down at the table. Xe looked at xer own meal like it was a puzzle. Xe thought about batting the knife away, but that required touching it. 

This would be a lot easier if lasers were socially accepted at dinner tables.

“What’s on your face?” Charlie asked, drawing a line along his own face, matching the area where Xeno’s vertical stitches met. Xeno lifted xer head from the table- alright, maybe there was one more safe place to look. Xe simply smiled, and leaned over, and exclaimed informatively,

“Skin!”

“Charlie, don’t ask questions about people’s faces, it’s rude.” Laura chided, although- she pauses to give a quick stare at her sibling, as if she’s contemplating saying something herself. Xeno had seen the way her eyes went back in her skull when xe’d shown up- xe had a few guesses of what she saw, but xe can tell she’s been wondering. Xe hadn’t thought of a good explanation for it. 

“Ah, don’t worry about it! Curiosity is a fine thing.”

Xe picked up a fork, and began to prod the steak. Maybe with enough force, the full potential of the spoon could be unlocked and xe wouldn't have to resort to… 

"...So, Alex! You’re going to be staying with us for a bit?" Laura’s husband, Landon or Logan, added with clear intent to grab xer attention. Xe didn't look up immediately. It was only after a few seconds of awkward silence, wherein Xeno was gripping a spoon and drawing lines down the body of the steak with intent, where the changeling suddenly realized xe was being spoken to. Xe sat up, proudly.

"-Oh, ah, actually! I should mention- Right now, it's Xeno, not Alex."

Laura blinked. "Aren't you the one who changed to to Alex in the first place-" 

"Yeah, well-" Xeno shrugged, continuing to try and pry the spoon into the steak. "-Life is a constant, winding unpredictable journey of self discovery and change and we should embrace the chaos of evolution instead of locking ourselves into outdated, stale paradigms and/or identities. Do you guys have a _blender?_ " 

There was an uptick in aggression of Xeno’s mushing at the steak with the spoon. Xe was leaning into xer plate, staring at it intently, as if glaring at it would make it cooperate. There was a quick conversation of eye contact between Laura and Logan, one that Xeno pretended to miss, full of subtle yet pointed questions and ended in a shrug from xer sister. Laura leaned forward, nudging slightly.

“You- know there’s a steak knife right there-”

“Mmm,” Xeno grumbled out, more or less agreeing to the existence of the knife. 

“-So, what’re you going to do now?” Logan asked. Xe made eye contact, but looked away when xer eyes registered his knife slicing through the steak. “Are you- switching majors? Maybe accounting wasn’t for you?”

“ _Accounting?_ Yeesh…” Xer expression went sour. “No. Nope. Definitely not. Absolutely not. If I see one more single evidence of capitalism, I’m going to go nuts and- hijack a news station or kidnap the mayor or something. No, I’m probably gonna.... uhh....”

Xe swallowed. Xe hadn’t thought about what came after this- after xer escape, after finding Laura, after... Everything. Xe leaned back in xer seat, wracking xer brain to come up with an answer quickly and naturally. The ceiling fan had a comfortable lack of knives to stare at, so xe settled on that. 

“I’m just… Um, gonna take 5 on following orders, and, uh, pursue my own studies, you know?”

It sounded lame. Laura blinked. “....So, like, you’re looking into other schools, or-”

“I don’t- know.” Xe said, already aware of how pathetic it sounded. The chair thumped as xe sat forward, and- xe still didn’t know where else to look, so xe just stared at the steak xe’d managed not to get a single bite out of. Xe wanted to just nap for a year and maybe play some video games in between maybe discovering the secrets of the universe as well as whatever other shenanigans happen to pop up in between, but- that wasn’t enough, was it?

Not if xe was expecting to be human, anyway.

“I’m-- I’m still figuring things out.”

Xe said, and hoped the honesty was enough to settle the conversation. Laura put down her fork, and reached over, putting a gentle hand on xer coat sleeve.

“...Yeah, sure.”

* * *

After dinner, Laura was pretty insistent on doing the dishes immediately- something about the dishwasher being broken, and not wanting to deal with it later. She noted how quickly her sibling had thrown xer hand in the air, almost immediate in xer need to do tasks to prove xer worth. She wasn’t as used to the Alex she knew dropping everything to clean. She would have expected xer to stay behind, chat with her husband- but she didn’t challenge it, and decided to take the gift for what it was.

Xe dropped the white coat- which Laura was starting to suspect xe stole from some pharmacy or something- down onto the chair, and rolled back xer sleeves. Laura reached up into a cabinet, grabbing a rag.

“Alright, you wash, I’ll-- dry-...” Laura paused, eyes caught on the maze of scars running all up her sibling’s forearms. Right before xer arm met with xer elbow was a thick line of staples and stitches. The skin was raised in such a matter that she was surprised it didn’t catch more on the shirt-- maybe it did? Had she not noticed it until now?

“...H-Hey, uh-”  
  
“Yeah?” Xeno turned to look at her, and something about the eye contact with her wide eyed younger sibling made her lose track of everything she could have said. Laura let her mouth hang open for a moment, then- shook her head, snapping back into business.

“Nevermind, uh- pass- pass me that plate when you’re done.”

Xeno nodded, doing as xe was told and moving on to the next plate that needed work. After a moment of silence, xe piped up,

“...Hey, why won’t you let Charlie look into doing dance stuff?” Xe said as xe pulled xer hands out of the soapy water, halfway turning to face her. ”It’s- not because he’s a _boy,_ right? Because if that’s the case, I _will_ be left with no choice but to attach a bomb to the bottom of your car-”

“Oh, no, nothing like that, I just-” Laura shook her head. “I’m trying to get him to _actually_ focus, is all.”

Xeno raised an eyebrow. “What... does _that_ mean?”

“Well, it’s just- not practical,” She shrugged, scrubbing the plate in a circular motion. “He has all this energy, we’re just trying to get him to apply it to things that’ll actually help him in life, you know?”

Xeno opened xer mouth to object, but- found xerself suddenly lacking in speech. She seemed to end that looking for a bit of validation- maybe not talking will communicate the disagreement without making xer sound ungrateful to xer new hosts. I mean, what did _xe_ know about all that, anyway?

Xe turned off the faucet, and- stared into the bottom of the sink, where every knife xe had avoided touching had gathered at the bottom. Discomfort broiled inside xer bones. The thought of touching them, letting them get close to xer skin felt like lightning- and not the fun, frog-flavored kind.

“Hey, I’m--” Xe turned around, trying to seem casual. “Gonna head to the bathroom, do you wanna take care of the rest of these?”

Laura shrugged. “Sure,”

_Oh thank god._

Xeno stepped away, waving xer hands up and down to knock off the water droplets, and went out on a hunt for the bathroom. 

Xe closed the door behind xer, suddenly finding xerself in a Finding Nemo themed wonderland of plastic fish and oceanic accoutrements. Xe waited, and heard the sink begin, as well as the telltale sounds of clanking silverware- and let out a breath of relief that those were being dealt with without getting xem involved. In the meantime, xe would have to just- hide here, until she was finished.

Xe looked ahead and saw xer reflection- a vibrant blue mess of a person with neon white bones poking through skin that looked like it should belong on someone from the Haunted Mansion, not the colorful Pixar Ocean. Xe looked to the side, examining the room’s decor, and- winced, once he noticed the photo on the shelf. It had Laura and Logan/Landon, as well as somehow _smaller_ versions of the two tykes- but more alarmingly, standing next to them was someone that looked an awful lot like if the person in the mirror had normal skin, normal hair. 

“Jesus christ-”

Xe picked up the frame, staring at it quizzically, holding it closer to xer face than was probably necessary. Xe was learning a lot about Alex based on living in his aftermath. For one, he had lost _all_ points in Xeno’s book, for choosing to slide away from nicknaming himself after their good friend Lex Luthar. For another thing, this photo was evidence he had at least _two_ pairs of khakis, which was frankly inexcusable. But what was the _most_ infuriating, most _horrendous_ thing was how many messages xe was getting on xer phone about him. People seemed to- against all understanding- _miss_ him. 

Which, honestly, was the worst crime of all of them.

Xeno tapped open the phone again, and was met with loads of messages from concerned colleagues and teachers who figured he was having some kind of breakdown. This man must have had some sort of email addiction, because xe was getting loads of those, too. Sometimes, part of xer wanted to believe these worried messages were for the _actual_ xer- the one who vanished and went through hell and came back. But no, they were all asking after Alex, why he put his life behind and ran off from college, why he was shutting down his promisingly mundane future.

At least xer fetch had made xerself into a person people missed, whoever he was.

Xeno put the phone away, and- stared out at the rug. There was, admittedly, an urge to follow in the footsteps of the life he had set up for xer- if only not to cause a fuss. But xe had grown _exhausted_ with not causing a fuss. Causing a fuss was the single greatest act of freedom xe had. It was xer god given, cosmic right to cause as much a fuss as xe damn well wanted. 

… In any case, xe actually liked xer family, for all the strangers they'd become. Alex had gone made himself _indispensable_ to this world _._ Maybe- maybe xe could do that, too. Maybe there was a version of this life where xe didn't have to be Alex to support it. 

Xe listened for the running water from the sink to stop, and gave it a few moments for Laura to dry the dangerous, dangerous knives. When xe figured xe’d given her enough time, xe opened the door, and went looking.

“Hey, do- you mind if I take a crack at fixing the dishwasher?”

* * *

The funny thing about Xeno’s “Science” was that the oil on it’s gears was, inherently, an abuse of the suspension of disbelief. As long as xe built machines and concocted formulas under the _belief_ that they would work, the “Science” would back xer up. There was always the chance it might explode anyway, if the “Science” decided it didn’t like what you were doing with it’s reality warping properties- but, with practice, Xeno found that the less xe _thought_ about what xe was doing in the process of engineering, the less uncertain the machines became about functioning themselves. As soon as xe had an idea, xe _had_ to follow it through. If xe stopped long enough to think about it, long enough to poke holes in its metaphysical functioning, it might fail. In Xeno’s world of maddening invention, being reckless paid off in spectacle.

In this respect, Xeno Cherenkov repeatedly managed to be just enough of an idiot to be a genius.

Of course, something was to be said for the _durability_ of these inventions- if anyone else climbed into the machine and attempted to alter it, all the fantastic logic would fall out of it like ash. There was something satisfyingly quantum about it all. It was the act of observing it that made it change, made it obsolete. And if Xeno xerself couldn’t recall xer thought process going into it, it may never work again. Xeno usually bypassed this during repairs, by convincing xerself as hard as xe could that “It worked _before_ , no reason it shouldn’t work _now.”_ Xer “Science” had become it’s own ouroboros at times- all it took was one confirmation of success for Xeno’s bias to grab onto that confidence for dear life.

Xe found, when xe was working, that it was better to let xerself be swept up by ‘ _the zone_ ’, as it were. It went along with being thoughtfully thoughtless as a superpower. Sometimes, xe felt as if the “Science” were speaking to xer more than xe was commanding it. Boxes of scrap metal whispered to xer, swirling with cosmic potential. Xe didn’t always know _why_ these pieces fit into the places they went, but xer instincts told xer that the parts _wanted_ to go there, that they _wanted_ to shine. Who was xe to tell them their dreams were impossible?

Laura, a coffee cup in hand, stood over her sibling, who was torso deep into a dishwasher committing who-knows-what crimes against the internal mechanism. Parts of the dishwasher laid scattered around xer- the two racks were taken out and put to the side, making room so that xe could climb in. Laura took note of the presence of the cardboard box labeled “NOT RADIOACTIVE”, which had found its way into the mess.

“Did- you- fix a _lot_ of dishwashers at Business School?” She said, raising an eyebrow.

“What was that?” Cried a muffled voice from dishwasher-town.

“Nevermind, just-” Laura yawned, and rubbed the eyebags out of her face, then knelt down so she might peer into the depths of the machine that held her sibling. “So, what, you’re a dishwasher-techie now? This isn’t going to be like mom’s car, is it?”

“...Are you asking if I’m going to hotwire your dishwasher and drive it to the Adventuredome?”

“No! Im’ just- Don’t break it, alright?”

“Why, of course! I’ve concocted, and built by these _very_ same hands machines _much_ more complex than this!”

“If- You say so…” Laura mumbled into her coffee cup. “Do- you need a flashlight? It looks kinda dark in there, I don’t know how you can see what you're doing.”

“Nah, I’m kinda my own flashlight-”

“-What? What does _that_ mean?”

“...Oh. Uh, I just have a-- utility glowing personality,” 

“...Whatever. Just be careful, okay? I really can’t afford the stress of finding a new one right now-”

Xeno rolled out of the dishwasher, moving the goggles up xer head so xe might meet xer sisters eyes. “I promise! You can count on me for _this,_ at least, alright? Your skillset- is- being amazing and having a house and a husband and 2.5 spawn and also a job and a driver's license probably-”

“Do you- Sorry, do you not have a _driver's_ license?”

“-And _my_ skill set, my dear sister, my bloodkin, my fellow spawnmate- is one of _many_ kinds of hubris, including at _least_ fixing dishwashers!”

Xeno said, giving xer sister a wide, wild grin and a thumbs up that rivaled the confidence of a stock image hero. Laura took a long sip of her coffee doubtfully.

“...‘Kay, well, let me know when you’re done with your hubris, I’ve got shit to do-”

Laura walked off, leaving xer to return to the mouth of the dishwasher- but not before reaching into the “NOT RADIOACTIVE” box, and moving things around until xe found the piece that was singing to xer.

An hour and a half later, xe rolled xerself out of the dishwasher. Standing up and brushing xerself off, xe clapped xer hands together, congratulating xerself for a job well done.

Xeno neared the door to Laura’s room. Xer hand was all but ready to knock- but stopped in the middle of the air. The door was open just a crack, but enough xe could hear what was being said inside.

“....I mean, are we at least going to think about asking for _rent?”_

Xe lowered xer hand. It was Landon and/or Logan’s voice- _god_ , it was getting annoying to keep thinking of him like that. Why hadn’t xe asked Laura his name? Right, because it’d be weirder not to know it, and xe’s pretending to have been here the whole time.

Is xe doing that?

Well, xe wasn’t _committed_ to that. Xe’d probably find one way or another to break it to her. When- when xe was ready. But how do you be ready for that-

“Look, it’s- complicated, okay?” Laura’s voice. Nevermind, xe would have to chase that thought later. “I don’t actually think he has any money stored away. I’m worried right now. He’s- not _right_ at the moment.”

Hypothesis: They were talking about him. Xer. Damn it.

Evidence: Xe could not think of a second thing that was complicated in her life right now. Everything else was so picturesque and perfect, xe was surprised a golden retriever hadn’t manifested in the yard of this white picket fence house yet during xer stay here.

“What do you mean you don’t think he has any money? Didn’t he spend the last few years in _economics_ classes? I’m worried he’s taking advantage of you, Laura-”

“No, you don’t- you don’t understand. He’s not like that. And he’s- my _little brother_. I don’t think he has another safety net than me right now.”

Confirmation. Xe makes a mental note to talk about terminology later.

“Yeah, but- _god,_ Laura, look at the way he’s stressing you out!” Landlogan sighed, exasperated. 

“You don’t have to parent him forever, you know? I think we both know he’s old enough to handle whatever’s going on on his own. You gotta cut him loose eventually.”

Hypothesis: Everyone secretly hated xer and xe was actually a burden.

Evidence: The face Laura’s husband made when xe decided the best plan of action during dinner was to lift the full steak directly to xer mouth, open wide, and let god sort out the rest. The fact that xe took up physical space, as evidenced by the garage that xe slept in a lot and the guest room that xe slept in sometimes. The fact that Laura keeps staring at xer with that exhausted look in her eye like she’s staring at a broken hole in the wall she’s going to have to fill and paint over.

“You don’t- get it, okay? It’s not that I’m parenting him. Lex is- Lex is my _hero_.” She said, voice falling into something so terribly soft and sentimental. Xeno felt something melt inside xer at the simplicity, the vulnerability at that sentence. Xe had never heard her sound so honest in front of xer.

“He’s... gone through a lot. Hell, he’s gone through _worse_ than this, _survived_ worse than this, and- he managed to bounce back just fine! _Better_ than fine, even. I _watched_ it, I- _aspire_ to be like that. He- We had that scare 5 years ago, and… I always admired how strong he was throughout all that. I don’t think he understood- this is going to sound dumb, but I don’t think he understood how much it _did_ for me? To watch him- get _better?_ Get his life together? _”_

Laura sighed, then continued.

“He’s- Whatever is going on, it’s temporary. He’s… He’s _better_ than that.”

There is a long pause. Xeno wanted to lean in, wanted to look in and see their expressions, wanted to take apart the conversation and experience it in slow motion. Her husband sighed, and before xe can recover, he speaks. 

“...Look, I know you don’t wanna abandon him. I- would never ask that of you. But- Do we- wanna at least _think_ about contacting your mom or dad?”

“Hell no." Laura's voice was sharp, and decisive. "They’ll either just- go ahead and _enable_ this nonsense, or kick him out again. Like fuck am I leaving him at their mercy.” 

Hypothesis: Xe is turning into xer mother.

Evidence: Xe’s a mess. Xe won’t stop talking and making frantic decisions that no one understands. Xe forgot the names of Laura’s husband and kids. _Well_ , okay, xe didn’t so much as forget as- never learned them in the first place. Which sounds worse, actually, without the context. If there’s any consolation, it’s that the fabric of xer humanity was probably yanked out and misshaped in such a way that- whatever disaster xe turns out to be- it’s _not_ going to be the same kind of fucked up. Just it’s own, sparkling, new kind of fucked up. Which is actually still pretty fucked up, if you think about it.

“Okay, but…” Maybe-he’s-actually-been-named-Liam-this-whole-time sighed. “We’ve got a _lot_ going on right now already. _Two kids._ We do _not_ suddenly need a third.”

“He’s-” _Family._ Just say family. Laura trailed off. “I’ll… I’ll talk to him, okay?”

Hypothesis: They’re kicking xer out?

Evidence: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no _no no no no no no no nono no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no-_

Xeno backed away from the door, heart thumping in xer chest, xer hands pressed down at xer side. Xe would tell Laura about the dishwasher at a later hour. 


	3. Chapter 3

Xeno spent most of the next day in the garage, avoiding the house. Xe didn’t  _ like  _ that xe was avoiding the house, but- maybe it was better to give them their space, prove to them that xe could take care of xerself. Xe would figure out how to belong in that space soon enough! Maybe being human was like riding a bicycle, or cleaning the engine of a Turbo Encabulator - xe was  _ some _ kind of normal before, xe was  _ sure _ xe would come around to it again.

Hypothesis: Maybe Laura clings to the safety of normalcy for a sense of stability? Possible factors include their parents, and the fact that she was the first person in xer family to figure out that responsibility was maybe a good thing to have- but wherever she got her ideas of stability, it definitely wasn’t internal.

Evidence: Xeno was running out of ways to explain the Logan Landon man.

In all the time xe had spent here, xe hadn’t really managed to hold a solid conversation with him. He used sports metaphors when he explained things, which- xe was sure probably made sense to atleast to him, maybe. Xe could sympathize with being cryptic and hard to understand, at least, but- xe had found a  _ “5 in 1 men’s shampoo” _ in their shower, in a casing that was designed with rivets to make it look manlier. Xeno had dealt with hazardous chemicals before,  _ but 5 in 1 shampoo?  _

In any case, xe could hold a conversation with Laura just fine, but- shouldn’t xe have at least something in common with the person she chose to spend her life with? Or did the venn diagram of Laura, Xeno, and-  _ was it Lukas?  _ \- only have overlap when it came to her? Plus, there was the conversation xe had overheard, which had not helped whatever awkwardness festered between them.

The man at least seemed excited when Xeno had mentioned xe’d done work on xer car? Which was great, because Xeno could talk about the car for hours.

Xeno’s exit from  _ The Hospital  _ had dumped xer out into a junkyard. Xe came falling into the real world out the back of a ragged, dirty old ambulance, one with cracked windows and bent metal tables that hadn’t seen a day’s work in decades. Xe toppled out the back of it lightly singed, and with enough force as if xe’d been thrown, spiraling down hills of sharp metal until finally hitting the dirt ground. Xe had heard a rumor that a ghost sighting was reported at that junkyard at around that time- that someone saw a spectre wearing nothing but a hospital gown and blood soaked bandages toppling out of a  _ previously _ empty ambulance. 

Xe was honestly offended that they’d forgotten to mention the labcoat. Xe’d made sure to grab it on the way out and everything.

Alone in that junkyard, when xe’d found it in xer to stand up again, xer next immediate claim to freedom was to build xer way out. Xeno discovered xe’d been dropped in the perfect place- it was like a playground of invention. Xe owed much of what xe was able to acquire within that first week- the car, the freeze ray,  _ everything- _ to being left alone, to run free in that space, unbidden by the schedules and prison-like restraints of institutionalization. Living off of squirrels in a pile of discarded trash with no shoes was the most liberated xe had felt in ages.

The Frankenjeep was a lovely token from that experience.

“Hey, uh-” Laura’s husband opened the lid of the car, and seemed to be staring at it’s insides incredulously. He opened his mouth, and he closed it, and he opened it again.

“No offense, but-”

“Yes?” Xeno batted xer eyes innocently.

“What--” The man gestured vaguely inside, seeming to be at a loss for words. “I don’t… This… I don’t understand. I don’t know how to tell you this, but there is absolutely  _ no way _ this should be running.”

Xeno shrugged confidently. “I made some modifications to the mechanism, it doesn’t quite qualify as an internal-combustion engine anymore. I could crack it open and-”

“No, see, this-” He scratched his head. “This- I’m pretty sure this isn’t even an engine? It- looks like you duct taped, like, a  _ Ghostbusters _ cosplayer’s proton pack to where the engine should be. And then you-- hooked it up to the inside of the car somehow, and-”

“Ah, I am sure you are mistaken! It’s an easy mistake to make when you don’t understand what your eyes are telling you-”

“I can  _ literally see  _ the Ghostbusters logo-”

“So let me walk you through it! You’re familiar with a heat engine, yes? How it converts the heat of burning fuel into torque? Well, when you put oil through this one-”

“You’re- do you mean gasoline?” 

He stared at Xeno with sudden alarm in his eyes. ”Please tell me you’re not putting oil into your car.”

Xeno stopped xer explanation, and shrugged. “They’re both made out of dinosaurs? Not sure what the big deal is-”

“-Where the hell are you getting  _ oil!?  _ Is this a business major thing- Do you guys have a secret black market-”

“Oh, no,” Xeno points vaguely up the back porch, towards the house. “I grabbed it from the kitchen.”

Landon looked to Xeno like xer head was on fire. He stared at the house. He stared back at his absurd in-law. He ran his hands over his face, a slow, dawning horror sweeping over him.

“Oh. Oh my god. I’ve  _ ridden _ in this thing.” He put his back to the car and sat down, rubbing his eyeballs. “We had you drop the  _ kids  _ off in this thing.”

“I assure you, the Frankenjeep is the pinnacle of safety. I’ve driven it for- well, less than a month, but it’s been a month without incident! You have nothing to fear, Logan!” The mad scientist gave him a proud thumbs up.

The man blinked at xer. “... Did you just call me Logan?”

Xeno froze.

* * *

The FrankenJeep shambled into the storage locker parking lot, coming in sideways and crooked into the neatly marked parking spot. Xeno got stumbled out, foot catching for a moment on the Frankenjeep’s harsh geometries, and- once stability was accomplished- retrieved a gadget from xer pocket. The car didn’t use a key to start- it used exposed wires and gumption. But xe had worked out a way to lock it in place, and it even beeped cartoonishly. 

Xe went inside. The lower level of the storage locker was as wide as it was empty, ceilings tall and with openings you could drive a truck through. One trip up the spacious elevator would get xer where xe was going- but first, xe was obligated to make a stop.

Denise, a young woman with long colorful nails, was tasked with sitting behind a desk selling cardboard boxes. She lit up as xe walked in, waving a glittering hand. 

“Ohmygosh! Hey girl, how’s it going-” 

Xeno couldn’t imagine engineering with nails like that, thick with polish and rhinestones. There was no way xe could have gotten away with doing something that cool to xer hands at  _ The Hospital _ . Xer keeper liked xer hands too much for that. Now that xe was in charge of xerself, having a pair of rhinestoned villainous claws sounded amazing. 

“Oh, ah! It sure is the going,  _ girl _ -” Xe hadn’t meant to befriend Denise. She might have technically even been the first person xe’d befriended after waking out of the Hedge. It probably helped that she didn’t immediately assume xe was homeless (which xe was) and/or under the influence of brain altering chemicals (which was debatable), but all that might’ve just been because xe had found a pair of shoes by then. In any case, by now, xe had picked up on her particular way of ending every sentence casually with  _ “Girrrlll,”  _ which started as something ironic but had by now morphed, mutated into a monster that was completely, horrifically genuine.

“Girl, have you gotten on instagram yet? I’m telling you, you could be a serious spacegrunge style icon-” 

“Ooh! I admit, girl, I have not yet colonized that of the elusive instagram. Although things have finally settled down on my end, so maybe I can finally achieve those ‘good vibes’ I hear so much about?”

“Good to hear! Seriously just let me know if you need any help getting set up, I’m trying to get my makeup game off the ground and I’ve got some followers and I can  _ totally  _ promo you-”

“Ah- Another time! I’m- actually here on a mission.” Xer eyes glanced towards the elevator. Xe cleared xer throat, leaned forward, and offered Denise the customary goodbye of their friendship. 

“-Ahem. Girl.”

Xeno remarked, before sliding off into the elevator. quick to press the big round button that took xer up to the next floor. Xe felt a little bad for brushing her off so quick- they’d have to catch up later. She’d be excited to learn xe finally had a phone.

As the doors parted, they revealed a whole layer to the building that was chrome and metal. The whole place was wall to floor with a reflective iron plating. Looking out, xe could see dozens of back to back featureless hallways leading to shiny silver compartments. The lights only came on as xe passed under them, something about power saving in the large building. The entire scene had a cold, impersonal feel to it- as if the only language it might speak were that of industrialization.

The key at xer side read 235. Xe stroked it with xer finger as xe walked along. Xe knew the path well enough by now- and xe stopped, at about the right place. It was hard to tell, given how similar everything looked- but xer number was right there, and the key fit into place, so xe went to lift the wide, clanking garage door up from the ground. 

The space inside was far less cluttered than it had been a week before. There were still boxes that contained scrap metal and car parts, as well as a couple more gadgets xe was in the process of moving out- but the most important part of this locker was the corner, where xe had cleared out space for the 6 foot wide freezer.

Xe approached it with trepidation. Xe moved xer coat aside, putting xer hand on the freeze ray that got xer this far, and withdrawing it smoothly from xer belt. With careful, danger-edged movements, xe lifted the lid of the freezer, and turned down the settings, and waited.

Slowly, animation stirred.

“What…” The fetch’s voice heaved, heavy and hollow- yet, all too similar to Xeno’s own. The face of Alex Kreuger- the one from the photos, the one with a driver’s license and a student ID- sat up, with stiff, jittery, half frozen movements. Unable to entirely unfold himself from his icy prison, he turned- neck cracking with every movement, knocking bits of frost off back down into the machine. He hissed, hissed with complete hatred for the changeling, and spoke with a voice that sounded as if all the life, all the energy had been drained out of xer, and paved over with a cold, impenetrable fury.

“...Do you  _ want  _ from me? _ ” _

Xeno stared down at the face of xer fetch. Xe swallowed, keeping xerself calm, and steady. Xe had all the power here, xe reminded xerself. Xer hands shook, still holding the freeze ray, keeping it aimed at his head. Finally, xe asked-

“-What’s Laura’s husband’s name?”

_ “...What!?”  _ Alex stared. He stared some more. Then, he shook his head, too surprised to be furious. 

“Do you- Do you mean  _ Kevin? _ ”

“What!? Fucking  _ Kevin!?”  _ Xeno shouted, throwing xer open hand in the air. “His name is god damn  _ Kevin? _ I’m living with a  _ Kevin?!  _ That’s so dumb! They didn’t even go with the alliteration? ‘Let’s go to Laura and Logan’s place,’ see, that’s  _ cute!  _ Laura and Logan and Lex-”

Alex glared, unimpressed, from his ice prison. His voice dripped with sarcasm and ire as he muttered, “I’m  _ so sorry _ , is this-  _ inconvenient _ for you?”

Xe scratched xer temple with the barrel of the raygun, still confused. ”-Okay, but then who the heck is  _ Logan!?  _ I swear there was at  _ least  _ a Logan-”

“...Do you mean  _ Landon? _ Her first  _ boyfriend? _ From-- 12th  _ grade? _ ”

“-Oh my god,  _ yes that’s it! _ ” Xeno pumped a fist into the air, grinning as if xe’d unlocked the secrets of the universe. “Thank you! You’ve been more than helpful, I’ll let you get back to your cryostasis now-”

“Absolutely  _ not!”  _ Alex snarled. “I’ve been  _ laying here,  _ just  _ laying here, utterly frozen  _ in this accursed coffin this _ whole damn time,  _ all the while  _ you  _ run around with  _ my name  _ and get your filthy hands all over my plan, my life, and  _ god knows what else.  _ So tell me now- tell me  _ right now _ . Give a prisoner something to think about.  _ What _ are you doing with  _ my life?” _

Xeno frowned, uneasiness creeping into xer heart once more. Xe wanted to be aloof and unphased by this twisted mirror image, if only to stick it to his ego- which xe was  _ certain  _ he had, because he was  _ xer _ , after all. But xe found xerself faltering- and then when xe spotted the slight glint in his eyes at xer reaction, xe cursed xerself for every second of it.

Xe breathed in. Xe breathed out.

“Mmm, nope, don’t think I’ve gotta tell you that, bud-”

Xe pulled the trigger on the freeze ray, locking Alex back in place. By the time the ray had landed, his mouth was caught open- and he was frozen mid-shout. His eyes still shook. Xeno exhaled, the stress leaving xer body immediately. Xe reached out and pushed his upper body back into the confines of the freezer. It made cracking noises the whole way down. Finally, xe patted his shoulder, and closed the lid.

* * *

Kevin was staring at Xeno with a laser guided focus. Xeno wasn’t necessarily  _ good  _ at noticing people’s body language- their facial expressions and various displays of abject horror were more often distractions from whatever xe was doing. Yet, even xe had managed to pick up the man’s strangely central attention.

“So-” Laura was clearing off space on the counter. “I could set the planner up here, right in the living room, so that we could all see it- That way, the schedule is on display, and we can all add to it when-"

“-What’s with your mouth?”

The question blurts out of Kevin’s mouth and arrives like a car crash into the conversation, scattering every single possible other conversation topic with it.  _ What's with your mouth.  _ The words hang in the air, untouchable. Laura’s head snaps up. Embarrassment and abject horror creeps into Kevin's expression. If mortal hands could turn back time from sheer wanting, Kevin would have managed to crack it just from how terribly he desired it.  _ What's with your mouth.  _ Laura stares at her husband as if she’s debating the merits of slapping him on the back of the head, with either her first or divorce papers. 

Xeno is left blinking in the aftermath. Xe cocks xer head to xer side, somehow the most prepared out of any of them for the absurd question. “...Huh, that’s a weird way to flirt with your in-law. Laura’s here, so I’m assuming you guys talked about this? Ah, geez, I don’t know, I’m gonna have to think about it-”

“Christ on a cracker-” Laura put her head in her hands. “Can we? Can we go back? Can we take that one more time?”

“-Er, sorry! I just- I- I mean- Have you- uh-” He was trying to smile, vibrating furiously for a way to save the moment. “-Have you... ever had braces, Xeno?”

_ “Kevin!”  _ Laura slapped her forehead.

If only xe had somehow happened to have this conversation earlier, it would have saved xer a trip of staring xer own existentialism in the face. Maybe irritating Laura was xer best shot at learning people’s names? In any case, Xeno wasn’t sure what the joke was, but- xe was talented at laughing when xe didn’t understand what was going on around xer. Also when xe was terrified. Also when things were blowing up. 

“-Hah! I- Don’t get it.” Xe rubbed the back of xer head. “No, why?”

Kevin’s hands looped in and out of eachother. “Oh! Well- That’s alright. I would maybe look into it? Because- It’s just-"

Xeno waited. 

"Your teeth- they’re- well-”

Laura’s hands parted from her face, just enough to stare at Kevin through the gaps between her fingers, like they were her blast shield while he plunged further into this disaster of a sentence. Xeno, meanwhile, stared at him innocently.

“Yeah?”

“They’re-” Kevin sucked in a deep breath, steadying himself. “It’s no big deal! Honestly, it’s fine. It’s just- How- would you maybe feel- about getting those looked at? I’m- a dentist, actually! I bet I could- get you a family discount? Or something?”

Dentist appointments. Standing near people in scrubs. People in scrubs standing  _ over  _ you. Stay in the chair. Lie in place. Drills in xer mouth. Drills in xer skull. The taste of blood on xer tongue. Katy Perry playing overhead like a ridiculing God, singing Firework over the terror while doctors commit crimes against the fabric of bone and flesh.

“No thanks!” Xeno said, managing something that might be a smile.

“Do you- uh, do know what that’s called?” Kevin asked, voice awkwardly sliding. “Your, uh-”

“My what?”

“Your--” Kevin swallowed, gesturing up and down. Laura had given up entirely, and was one more awkward comment away from lying down on the floor, tossed aside to the trash along with the debris of her respect for everyone in this room. 

“It- kinda looks to me like your teeth are in the wrong order?” Kevin finally managed, voice rising with the absurdity of the statement.

Xeno winced, immediately unsure what to make of that. “...What?”

“It- I mean, I’d have to take a closer look, obviously, but-” Kevin faltered, then- given that Laura hadn’t somehow stopped him yet, continued. “From a cursory glance, it just looks like you’ve got molars mixed in with your incisors- and- Your canines- are all scattered- and- Well- It’s not-  _ Impossible _ , I suppose, but I’ve never seen-”

Part of xer was surprised by the outlandish observation- he had to be joking, right? Then, as xe lifted xer hand to feel xer jaw, xe realized exactly how much of xer was left that _wasn’t_ surprised to hear that at all. Xer jaw didn’t close neatly with the rest of xer skull, teeth poking out too harshly and unevenly compared to the rest of their neighbors, to the point where closing xer mouth entirely felt like jamming a round peg into a square hole. This small, physiological irritant had become background noise with the rest of xer rapidly changing world. As xer fingers pressed down the space around xer mouth, xe felt the strained muscles of xer jaw, and realized for the first time how much stress xe had been holding there.

“...Huh,” Xe said, finally. “Guess I hadn’t noticed?”

Kevin looked like he was about to explode at the inanity of such an understated response. He breathed, trying to act like this was normal.

“Oh! Okay! Well! It’s-  _ fascinating _ !” Whatever that sentence was originally going to end with, it probably wasn’t ‘fascinating’. Kevin was trying to laugh, to downplay the clumsiness of this conversation. At least Xeno was good at laughing when nothing was funny.

“I- don’t even know how that happens? Does it hurt? Is it- uh, is it genetic?”

Kevin continued on, making concerned eye contact with his wife as if to ask her a question, perhaps about their progeny and exactly  _ what things  _ he should be worried about. To this, Laura shook her head and backed off, as if to say  _ ‘how dare you try and bring me into this atomic bomb of a conversation’ _ . She hoped her eye roll wasn’t invasive enough to have to contribute. Xeno seemed moderately unphased by comparison.

“Nah! I- barely even think about it, to be honest!” Xe shrugged.

”Hah! Yeah! That’s- Sure, why would you!?” Kevin said, clearly not believing a word he’s saying. “You should- probably get an x-ray on that! Hah!”

At this, Xeno  _ did  _ laugh, loud and shrill and possibly terrified and  _ completely  _ disproportionate. Neither of them seemed to know how to end this interaction, so they just kept laughing, and laughing, waiting for the other to have something to say more to say. Laura, for her part, put her hands up and turned to walk out of the room.

* * *

One of the first things Xeno did, once xe finally had an address to call xer own was to put down that bulk order of tesla coils xe had been staring at for weeks. This had been a while ago, and in the liminal ways of online delivery, xe had nearly forgotten about the purchase until xe saw it on the front door and exploded with excitement. 

Xe wasn’t sure what exactly it was, but everything xe built was  _ far  _ more likely to not only succeed, but have it’s power boosted if xe lopped a tesla coil on top of it. It didn’t even matter if the tesla coil had anything to  _ do  _ with the mechanism. Grappling hook? Tesla coil. Microwave? Tesla coil. Phone case? You  _ bet  _ there was a tesla coil. Xe had varying theories about this effect, but, so far, xer strongest hypothesis was that it happened because tesla coils were cool, and “Science” agreed.

Oingo Boingo blasted victoriously from the neon mess of the garage. Xeno, scooting along to the tune of experimental ska, reached into the cooler labeled “ _ DANGER: Science Juice _ ” to retrieve a can of electric blue monster energy, timing the opening of the can with the beat. Xer boots squeaked along the floor as xe pivoted to grab a blowtorch, white lab coat twirling behind xer. 

“Oh-!”

Xeno stopped xer funky science dance. Xe slid xer finger away from the handle of the blowtorch.

Olivia stared up at her electric blue relative with big brown eyes. This wasn’t the first time xe had caught her fascinated, wide-eyed stare. Sometimes, the way that she and her brother looked at xer made xer think that they… perhaps _saw_ xer better than Laura or her husband ever did, that maybe they were able to witness the eerie glow of xer bones, the gravity defying whirl of xer hair. Xeno blinked, then smiled.

“...Are you supposed to be back here, tiny one?”

Olivia stared, unphased by the question.

“What’s that?” She said, pointing to the current mess at the workbench. Xeno had been in the process of applying a “greeble” over the machine’s surface- making it appear more complex and obtuse.

“-Ah!” Xeno whirled around. “That, my astute friend, is going to be a yogurt machine! The fridge only has yogurt ‘for her’ and yogurt ‘for him’, so I’ve been forced to improvise. So far, everything that comes out of it is-- a hair  _ too  _ alive, so I’m trying to work out the kinks before I have another panic attack about the implications of my actions.”

Olivia cocked her head, regarding the confusing adult as if she were a scholar trying to discern the world’s truths. She stared at xer, with xer white labcoat, and wild hair, and the neon goggles protecting xer eyes. The word was right on her tongue. 

“Are you… Are you a mad…”

Xeno’s eyes lit up.

“...Doctor?”

And then that light deflated, just as fast as it’d come.  _ Damn it.  _ Xe straightened xer back, clearing xer throat.

“... _ Technically _ , you could say I’m more a mad engineer? Mad Scientist is the umbrella term, but- Scientists have a hypothesis! They have something they’re trying to prove. Me, I’m….” 

Xe paused, taking a long, thoughtful swig from xer energy drink. Xe turned to face the existential disaster that was proving to be xer quest for lunch. Xer brow furrowed.

“...Sorta throwing stuff at the wall, to see what sticks. But I  _ do  _ like to think I qualify for my title, as my quest is immaterial as much as it is material. The drive to grapple with- and hopefully thwarting- ideological concepts, to alter the rules of an uncaring or absent God, it is all…  _ so much more _ than…. Just bumbling around making death machines. You know what I mean, tiny one?”

Olivia blinked. She seemed to be pondering the correct response. Whatever this interaction was, it didn’t follow the script of her typical family interactions, and she seemed a hair anxious that she couldn’t appear to know what she was doing. She opened her mouth, and spoke decidedly, 

“You're weird,” She observed, sagely. 

To this, Xeno had to laugh, a victory more than anything. Olivia squinted up at Xeno- and crossed her arms, spying something she clearly knew more about.

“...Are you drinking soda?” Olivia asked, accusatorily, pointing at the drink in xer hands. “We’re not supposed to  _ drink  _ soda.” 

Xeno stared into the monster energy, peering into it skeptically. “Well, it might just qualify as hazardous chemicals at this point, not quite  _ soda. _ ”

Olivia narrowed her eyes. “Mom’s gonna put you in jail.”

“I’m sure she is! She’s  _ very  _ powerful like that. But also, she’s expressed she doesn’t want you in here, so why don't we go find mayhem somewhere else?” Xeno grinned, making xer way over to the open garage door, in hopes she might follow. It was then that xe noticed another pair of brown eyes watching xer.

“Psst!” Charlie said, halfway hiding behind the wall of the garage, and making eye contact with his sister. Xeno dutifully pretended not to hear what he was saying. He said ‘psst,’ after all.

“Ask about the hair!”

Olivia nodded to her brother, then looked up at Xeno.

* * *

_ This is nice,  _ Xeno thought to xerself. Xe sat cross legged on the floor, resting xer head on the couch cushions while tiny hands busied themselves making braids out of the silvery mess behind xer head. Xe closed xer eyes. Xer neck was right at the point where the cushion met the hardware of the couch, which, frankly, was the only thing keeping xer from a comfortable nap. Nothing was chasing xer, no one was watching xer, all the bones in all xer body were in one piece-

_ When was the last time things were this nice? _

Laura wandered in, and- found herself lingering at the doorway, stopping just short of walking in on the serene moment. She leaned against the doorframe and smiled, watching the calm moment go by.

“You guys having fun?” She said after a while, as she gently drifted over. Olivia and Charlie gave her affirmative  _ “Mmhmms,”  _ as they continued the art project of braiding the white hair.

Laura sat against the couch, whispering to her sibling.

“You know they’re probably going to tangle it, right?”

“Yeah,” Xe responded fondly.

Laura just laughed, leaning back and finding comfort with her spot on the floor. She reached over, picking up a long strand of silver and holding it curiously before letting it drop back to xer shoulders. “Hey, so- what’s with all the hair, anyway? Did you get extensions or something since the last time I saw you? And--” 

Another pause. 

“-Bleach it?” 

Xeno shrugged. “Eh, what can I say, I like having an untamed bushel of chaos behind my head at all times.” 

“...That didn’t really answer either of the questions.” Laura said, trying to make it sound like a joke, but- evidently failing. Was xe avoiding eye contact? Xe said nothing. She bit her lip, tapping her fingers against the ground.

“...So it’s  _ not _ , like, some kind of belated act of freedom, or something?” She said, again running her fingers along it. Xeno, not quite understanding, opened xer eyes, and hoped the eye contact spoke the question aloud.

”I’m just saying, honestly, the last time I saw you with this much hair was before the-”

Xeno’s eyes went wide.

“-Oh, OH. Hey, uh, we don’t, have to, uh-” Xe sat up, disappointing the two young hairdressers as their current project slipped through their fingers. ”-We don’t actually have to talk about all  _ that _ , do we?” 

She blinked.

“Since when do you not-”

“ _ Kids _ , there’s- kids, you know? I don’t want to- uh-” Xe was laughing, but it was a nervous laugh, and Laura was not buying it. Finally, xer voice went quieter, as xe said, 

“-I don’t want to talk about it.”

Laura stared, seeming surprised. Xeno felt her scanning xer face for every microexpression. Xe tried to smile. Xe tried to be natural.

“S…. Sure.” She replied, and thus the subject was dropped out of the air, but it left an uneasy, empty space where it hung. After a while, Laura said, in the tone of voice of someone who had been meaning to say something for a while, 

“Hey, Lex…? Can we-  _ talk _ later?”

Xeno had literally undergone a cardiectomy at one point, and could compare the sensation to the way xe felt xer heart fly out xer chest with those words. Why do people think ‘can we talk’ is not the worst thing in the world to start a conversation with? Was this Logan/Landon’s fault? Wait, no, Kevin. God  _ damn  _ it, Kevin. 

Xe shifted uneasily.

“Uh… About- About what?”

Laura forced herself to smile. “...Are you busy later?”

“Okay, well, now that didn’t really answer  _ my _ question-”

“Alright,  _ fine _ , but you’re _ not _ , though.” Laura said, meeting xer curt statement with her own. “Because you’re not in school. Or in a job. Not unless you’ve got a date, for, like, drinking monster energy and playing with lasers in the garage.”

“The mini-hand laser is a  _ very important utensil  _ that’s going to make my life a  _ lot easier,  _ and-- Ow-” Xeno felt a tug on xer hair. Charlie and Olivia looked back and forth between the bickering adults like it was a spectacle, but hadn’t stopped what they were doing. And why should they?

Xeno fretted. “I would like to know what I’m getting myself into?”

“Okay, well,” Laura took in a deep breath. She spoke slowly, with intent and with purpose and as if every word were a step she were taking over a field of eggshells.

“I was. Thinking. We could. Look into. Finding you... a... psychiatrist?”

.

.

The bathroom door slammed shut behind xer. Xe pressed xer back into it, hand slapping below the metal handle until xe found the little knob xe could turn to lock the door. Oh, how hunky dory! The doors out here have  _ locks.  _ Life is so  _ absolutely beautiful  _ when you can lock the door behind you. Wasn’t the world better with locks? Wasn’t it safer? 

On the other side of the door, Laura knocked repeatedly.  _ “Lex, what the fu-” _ It’s fine. It’s fine, xe told xerself. Random bursts of ominous noises don’t actually  _ mean  _ anything to xer anymore, not when the world is like a nightmare factory with a haunted house track playing in the background. Okay, maybe the sound effects are  _ real,  _ the screams and the slamming doors and the wheels screeching and the drills of the doctors and the echoes of sobs that sound like whispers that sound like yelling- sure, their source is  _ real,  _ but it doesn’t mean it has to  _ touch you.  _ It doesn’t mean those screams are coming for  _ you. _

“Lex, I  _ swear to god-” _

Xeno bent inward on xerself. Being small has its advantages. Being small means they don’t notice you. Being small means they might not give you medication, means you might avoid the next injection, means the doctors might forget about the knives and the pliers on the table and finally just  _ finally _ leave you alone-

_ “Lex!” _

The changeling swallowed. Maybe- okay, maybe she won’t leave xer alone. Maybe this isn’t a problem that can be fixed by ignoring it. Xe called out, voice sharp and desperate.

“Y-You’re not getting me in a room alone with those people-”

“What  _ people!?  _ What- What the fuck is your  _ problem?!”  _ The knob above xer head turned furiously, to no avail. When it did not budge, there was another frustrated sigh on the other side of the door, along with another  _ thump  _ as she pressed a fist against it. 

“Oh, okay, so- so you’re going to go ahead and lock yourself in the bathroom like a  _ child _ . Instead of  _ talking _ to me. You’d rather act like a god damn  _ child. _ ”

“Yup.”

“This isn’t funny, Alex! I’m  _ seriously  _ worried about you!”

“-Hey, why do you keep calling me that!?” Xeno bit back. Was this the time? Who the fuck knew. “That’s not me! I already told you I’m not going by that name right now, and it’s  _ seriously weird  _ that you keep insisting on doing so.”

“God- okay,  _ fine _ , alright! You’re right! You’re right-” Laura sighed, and then, in a voice that was only  _ barely  _ soaking in sarcasm, “ _ Xeno _ . Would you like. To come outside the bathroom now?”

“No.”

“Well,  _ fuck you _ too!” 

She delivered a roundhouse kick to the back of the door- which Xeno could tell, based on the location of the thump, and also the fact that Laura had been using roundhouse kicks to solve her anger since she was 18. And then, for a while, there was nothing. Nothing except heavy breathing, and Kevin’s muffled voice from across the hall, muttering  _ “What the hell is going on?”  _ at a volume that perhaps they thought xe couldn’t hear. Xeno breathed heavily- in, and out, and in. It was hard not to feel like the walls were closing in around xer right now. 

“Hey, Xeno?” Laura said, loudly. “Look, I’m- I’m going to check back in with you later, okay? We’ll talk  _ then.  _ And- we  _ will  _ talk.”

Xe heard her footsteps get farther away, as well as vague, but indistinct mutterings from the side of the house xe heard her husband.

_ Hypothesis: I’m fucking up right now.  _

Xeno brought xer legs in close. Xe closed xer eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Xeno dreamt of the dinner table. 

Although xe knew it not to be true, xe still envisioned it as a metal slab- an autopsy table with a sink at the end, and with a temperature control system at it’s base. Xe stared at the meal. Xe looked back up, at Laura and her husband watching xer intently. Their stare matched their smile- which was to say vast, as if their entire faces were sculpted to watch xer.

Xeno didn’t have to look at the meal too long to understand that the writhing, bubbling mass was still alive. Xeno didn’t think about it- it didn’t matter. The simple answer was to grab the knife, to appear reasonable. Xe reached out, ready to fall in place and be one of them- but when xe tried to grip it’s silver handle, xer hand turned into ribbons. The knife clattered onto the floor. Xe panicked as xe watched xer flesh spiral out onto the table, and tried to reach it with xer other hand- to use xer fingers to fold it back in place, to mold it into the right shape before the others saw- but at the barest touch, xer other hand collapsed into a corkscrew of clean lines of skin.

Xe could feel the spiral traveling up xer whole body like a zipper. When xe stood, xe had to rush to balance xerself. Xe was carrying a stack of heavy, disconnected slices, and one wrong lean to one side or the other could cause xer to topple over and collapse into a pile of mush on the floor. People were watching- didn’t xe  _ care? _ Suddenly, the table didn’t matter anymore. It practically vanished, forgotten and deleted from the space. What still remained was the eyes- Laura’s eyes, her family’s eyes, vibrating out of the skull of xer loved ones, until their faces were gone and it was just xer against the eyes, xer trying to stand tall in front of their gaze instead of falling back into a pile of nothing. Eventually, the dance became too much- and xe fell backwards, unspooling on the way down into streams of vellum and red, ready to be carried off by the wind. 

Then, xe hit the ground. When xe did, xe didn’t know the state of xer body- but xe knew xe must have had one, to have felt the impact. The pain knocked the air out of xer lungs, but it was more than welcome- because it meant that xe had lungs to breathe with in the first place. 

Everything tasted sour in xer mouth. The sound of the heart monitor beside xer beeped in the background. 

Xe opened xer eyes and xe stared at the ceiling. Xe had seen this ceiling before. Yes, xe had had conversations with the ceiling tiles that stretched on for hours- counted them and recounted them, and then recounted them with every drowsy awakening. The patterns wiggled and burned in xer eyes. They made better conversations than the doctors and nurses did. 

This was a hospital, but it was only that-  _ a  _ hospital.

The doorknob turned back and forth. Xe tried to sit up- but xer arms were still ribbons. Xe fell back onto the bed.

_ My child, my child, oh my sweet child- _

Two hands as thick as a shadow closed around xer throat. No one saw anything. How could no one see it? Xe was sure the eyes of Laura and xer family were still out there, somewhere burned beyond the blank white wallpaper. Xe was full of things that no one could see or feel. Xe hadn't been made transparent yet, hadn't had x-rays cast through xer broken insides, hadn't been unfolded from the inside and out. Xe swallowed in xer throat and it burned like acid. 

_ You poor thing, left to wither and rot. Your loved ones hurt you so much, don’t they? Locking you up here, where they think you’re safe. You’ll keep sinking back into your bed, watching as bits of you fall off and drift out into the wind- sinking and sinking until you’ve melted into a pool of bile and horror that lays 6 feet into the ground. But I have a secret. They’re all wrong about you, you know. It is not too late to breathe again. _

The doorknob turned again. This wasn’t a world with locks.

_ Take my hand. Take it. Follow me. I’ll help you. _

_ We can open the door. _

_ Just open the- _

* * *

-Door to the bathroom was the source of a gentle knocking sound, one that forced xer mismatched eyes open once more. Xe awoke with xer legs hanging halfway out of the bathtub, and a Finding Nemo towel rolled up underneath xer head. 

Xe had been confident that sleeping in the cramped, plastic space wouldn’t be too much of a problem- not when xe’d slept on a morgue drawer before. As xe awoke, xe bitterly realized xe had perhaps had gotten too used to the comfort of a normal bed, or the cushions of a car. As xe forced xerself up, xer shoulders and back complained loudly, xer spine not appreciating it’s previous configuration.

“...Hey Xeno?” Laura’s voice. She sounded concerned, then tired. “...Please tell me you didn’t sleep in there.”

Xe climbed out of the bathtub. Xe found xerself rubbing xer arms and xer sides, discovering tender areas on xer elbows, and where xer shoulders met the edge of the tub- did xe go to sleep with those bruises? It was so hard to tell, with transparent skin. Sometimes, xe worried xer mask was only bruises.

“There’s- There’s breakfast,” She said, clearly trying to sound welcoming. “You could come have breakfast with us? 

Xeno swallowed. After yesterday, xe had no clue what the proper thing to say to her now was. The whole world was thick with anxiety. Not knowing what else to do, xe- paused, then- called out.

“...Be right there.”

Laura appreciated that her sibling went along with Charlie and Olivia’s so much. It was nice of xer to pretend to like the same shows, for example. And xe seemed to share the energy they had for life. Xe was- good with them, actually.

She watched as Charlie reached out, running tiny hands over the line of ragged stitches that ran vertically along xer face and nose. It was cool that xe never made a big deal of them to the kids- sometimes, she thought like xe acted xe didn’t even have them. However, she was getting more and more curious about their presence- and the more she wracked her brain for an answer, the less certain she was that they’d been as noticeable before. Some of them looked too healed over to be new. Laura wracked her brain for every summer trip to the beach, every time they’d been together- but she hadn’t been looking. She wished memory was as reliable as people pretended it to be.

She at the  _ very  _ least would have seen the one across xer face, that’s for certain. That one  _ had  _ to be new. Had xe been hiding them this whole time, somehow?

Charlie reached over, and- when he was finished with the vertical scar- cupped his hand around his (uncle? aunt?)’s face, and drew it back.

“Got. Your nose.”

“What!?” Xeno’s eyes went wide with pure terror. “How did- Give it back-”

Charlie giggled, pulling his fists back victoriously at Xeno’s frantic attempts to reach out and grab the ‘nose’ back.

“Hey no I said  _ give it back- _ ”

Laura hated to walk in on what was genuinely a sorta adorable moment, but some things needed to be done. 

“Hey. Um. Xeno.” Laura said, speaking in that overly-casual tone of voice of hers that starts out calm and normal when she has something she needs to say that is probably not going to turn out calm, or normal.

“We need. To talk about the dishwasher.”

“Hold on Laura, not now, this is important-” Xe reached out, grabbing at the hand that Charlie had cupped away from xer, and ‘putting’ the nose back on. Xe even stopped, to straighten it.

“Sorry, you were saying?”

.

.

.

“...Huh,” Xeno said, sorting through the dishwasher’s contents. 

“It  _ appears,  _ if I were to hazard a  _ guess,  _ that the machine has been programmed with too strict an idea of clean _ ,  _ and has mistakenly identified what qualifies as a ‘foreign substance’ and has instead broken it’s contents down to their base elemental components…” Xe rubbed xer chin. “Which is- frankly, impressive, in its own kind of way! Oh, oh, I bet we could use this to isolate rare earth metals and materials such as-”

“Programmed with-” She shook her head. “It’s- it’s a dishwasher, it just needs to  _ whoosh _ water around. How on  _ earth _ did you-”

“I’m afraid earth isn’t really part of the question, my dear!” Xeno said, with the vigor of an overenthusiastic professor. “I assure you, it very much  _ thinks  _ it’s doing it’s job! It is not beyond repair, however. It should take a few simple tweaks and-

“Why does our dishwasher need to _ think- _ ” Laura took in a sharp breath through her nose. “Okay. Okay. Can. You  _ reverse  _ it somehow?”

Xeno’s mouth snapped shut. 

Xe glanced inside. Could this be reversed? No, it was… much easier to break things than it was to unbreak them. Chemical changes like this couldn’t be undone, it would be like trying to glue the ashes back into a log. Some things were just beyond repair. Some things were easier to just trash, rather than reshape them back into what they were.

“-Hm.”

Xe rubbed xer chin, trying to think. “I’m… not entirely sure. Sorry, I’ll- I can pay for the dishes?”

“-Okay, but with  _ what job? _ ”

“I- Uh.” Xe said, suddenly feeling a little sheepish. “You’ve… Got me there…”

Xe had jumped at the raised voice- xe hoped she didn’t see it. It was embarrassing, the way a raised voice could come through like a wrecking ball into xer brain, how much xer self esteem had been put on xer ability to do the technical work xe was assigned. Xe didn’t want her to see the ways  _ “You did a bad job” _ could swirl around xer head for weeks.

Xeno’s hands twitched, eager to climb in and fix it. Frankly, xe thought it was perfect as it was.

“Look, I-” Laura let her head drift down into her hands. “I’m- just going to call my contractor and install a new one later.” 

“Are- … You sure?” What was the socially acceptable amount of times to say ‘sorry’ in one sitting? And more importantly, what’s the most efficient way to steal a dishwasher and take it with you?

“This was-- this baby’s first run! I’m sure I can get the system in working order to satisfy your needs. All it’ll take is a little more elbow grease and gumption, and I think I’ve got the parts out in the garage to make it work and-”

Laura exhaled through her nose. She pinched the bridge of her nose, and sounded only vaguely defeated as she muttered. 

“...God, you even sound manic...”

Xeno felt xer insides screech to a halt. The constant low-key theme music that ran through xer head stopped. 

“-Wait, _hold on_.”   
The changeling said, standing up immediately.  
“No, that is not what is happening here.”

“Is it? Because it kinda seems like you’re in the middle of a manic breakdown.”

“Why does everyone keep assuming I’m in the middle of a breakdown?!” Xeno threw xer hands in the air. “You and the emails and the-- No! I promise you, this is the  _ safest  _ and  _ absolute best  _ I’ve been in  _ ages!  _ I don’t know how to explain it in a way you'll understand, it’s- It’s like I’m a new person! A thousand possibilities ahead of me! A thousand things to  _ do  _ and  _ accomplish  _ and-”

Xeno heard xerself out loud and quietly understood where Laura may be coming from.

“Okay, well, it might not be the  _ only  _ thing happening _ - _ ”

“Really? It’s not?” She said, in a tone of voice that made sure Xeno knew  _ exactly _ how skeptical she was. “Quitting school out of nowhere? All the- the fast talking, the jumping around? Overconfidence in fixing- fucking, household appliances?”

Xe took offense at that last one, immediately feeling defensive of xer creation. Xe put xer arms out over the dishwasher so it wouldn’t hear their argument and feel self conscious. “That  _ wasn’t  _ overconfidence-”

“You  _ literally _ called it an act of hubris.”

”Okay, but I  _ did  _ fix it! I just- Overshot-”

“Mmhm, sure you did,” Laura rolled her eyes. “I’m just saying, that-”

The music of Oingo Boingo sounded from Xeno’s labcoat pocket, cutting into the already tense conversation like a hot knife through butter. No, now was  _ definitely  _ not the time. Xeno took it out, to decline the call-

“ _ DENISE- Storage Locker Denizen is calling” _

Xe blinked, and tried to hide the stutter in xer throat. Xe pressed xer thumb on the red button, and dragged it away.

“You were saying that?”

Laura sighed, and started again.

“...I’m just saying that it runs in families, right? And we  _ both  _ know that mom was  _ not  _ normal-” Xe shifted uncomfortably at the phrase. “And-- With you-- You just changed so  _ suddenly,  _ okay? Maybe  _ you  _ don’t think it’s sudden-”

“-But I  _ do  _ know it’s sudden?” Xe surprised xerself with how quick xer response was. Has this frustration been there for a while? “I know- more than you think I do. There’s- a lot of things that are sudden and different and that I don’t  _ understand _ right now. The whole world is different!  _ You’re _ different! It’s all a  _ lot _ and I know you don’t  _ get it _ and- and now you’re looking at me like  _ that- _ ”

Laura looked so lost. Her mouth hung open, voice lost and empty. Xeno- suddenly tired, suddenly solemn, rubbed xer forehead. Laura hated watching xer be so tired. She opened her mouth, trying to sound gentle.

“I just think that… I mean, I’m  _ trying  _ to get it _. _ I’ve tried, and- the explanation is  _ right there,  _ Lex.”

“...I know.” Xeno took a moment to gather xerself. “But it’s not… It’s not all there is. I- ...Okay. Okay, listen, Laura- this is… this is serious. Okay? I need you to take this question seriously-”

Xeno hesitated. The changeling looked off to the side, rubbing xer hands together. Xe could stand there overthinking the question for decades- but no amount of bracing xerself would matter unless xe actually said it.

“What… Do you remember of my hospitalization?”

The word  _ hospital  _ and all it’s variants immediately felt metallic on Xeno’s tongue. Laura looked surprised. She practically winced, even- clearly not expecting the question, and unsure what to do with it now that she was facedown with it. The quiet stretched on, as uncertainty filled the air. 

“...What, so… We’re going back 5 years now?”

Xer phone rang again.

“Danny Elfman,  _ please- _ " Xeno flailed for the xer pocket. Xe was _ finally  _ coming near to talking about it, it was not fair that the world kept marching on around them, trying to grab them away. Xe took it out, and- “ _ DENISE- Storage Locker Denizen is calling.”  _ This time, the name made xer stomach sink. Maybe… Denise was just feeling chatty. But- this was the work number, wasn’t it? 

“-...I mean,  _ fuck,  _ Lex,” Laura was talking. Xe hung up on the call. Xe could deal with it later. ”I know that was- traumatic or whatever, I was there too- but- can we talk about what’s going on  _ now? _ ” 

“I  _ am  _ talking about now, though. It’s- It’s relevant, okay?” Xe said, not meaning to, but sounding pleading. Xe hated when things came out so vulnerable. Xe hated the feeling of begging xerself through this conversation. Laura, still trying to be sympathetic, just sighed- she was in a losing battle between wanting to be delicate and being too frustrated to be anything like it.

“I remember you got better?” She offered, as a non-answer. “I mean- What, are you worried about recurrence?” 

“-No, that’s impossible.” Xeno shook xer head, quick enough and with enough certainty to surprise Laura.

“...Well. Okay, then. What’s that have to do with anything?” Laura said, exasperated. “If you’re so sure it’s done, I mean- That was five years ago, right?  _ Five years _ . You’re in the clear. It’s behind us now. You’re fine, you’re free, can’t we just- do the practical thing and forget about it, then?”

“I don’t think- I--” Xeno struggled to finish that sentence.  _ I don’t think I can? I don’t think you understand? I don’t think I can explain this?  _ Xe dissolved into stuttering sentence fragments. Laura didn’t wait for xer to finish.

“-Look, it’s just- I think maybe you’re distracting yourself with that hospitalization stuff?” She said. Xe felt the weight drop out of xer shoulders, too tired to object. “That doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve got- something  _ psychological _ going on. Like, actual, I mean-  _ real _ problems, that are affecting your life now _. _ I mean- fuck, I know that you don’t want to hear this, but I feel like I’m watching you throw your life away!”

Xeno winced at the betrayal of such a thought. “-You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“...Listen. Alex. Xeno. _ Whatever _ . You need to see a doctor. You need a diagnosis. You need  _ medication _ . You need to just- finally stop ignoring your problems, and-”

The phone rang again. “ _ DENISE- Storage Locker Denizen is calling”.  _ Xe looked at her, then xe looked at the phone. Xe held out a hand to xer sibling.

“--Sorry, I’m just- I’m just going to take this.”

Xeno stepped away, not bothering to look at Laura’s undoubtedly annoyed expression. Xe sighed into the phone.   


“Hey girl!” Denise beamed on the other end, another world away. The whiplash was palpable. “So I'm with your brother right now, and he wanted me to call you about something in locker 235? He says the lock is broken and-"

Xeno swore. Loudly.

“I’m sorry Denise, give me a moment to-” Xe turned away from the phone, putting a hand over the receiver. Xe could faintly hear Denise’s concerned voice over the line, small and static, asking ‘ _ Is everything okay?’  _ It wasn’t, but xe couldn’t just  _ say  _ that. 

“I’m so sorry, Laura, I’ve- I’ve gotta go take care of this  _ right now _ -”

Laura gaped. Then, a cold bitterness washed over her. “...Sure. Fine.”

“This is serious, I’m just-” Xeno was already backing out the door, hopping over furniture and making a dash towards the door. “I’m not avoiding you!”

“Yup, definitely. Not avoiding me. Got it.”

“No, really! I’ll- I’ll be right back, and- and I’ll tell you  _ everything, _ okay!?”

“I’ll be here.” She said, and- xe hated how exhausted she sounded, how defeated. But there wasn’t time to think about that. White coat trailing behind xer, xe opened the door and ran in the direction of the garage.

* * *

_ “-Everything’s okay!” _

Denise stared up at Xeno, who was relatively winded, and had what looked to be at least 3 squirtguns strapped to xer chest, as well as a fourth that was in xer hand currently. She’d been in the customer service game long enough to not be incredibly phased by this, and just nodded in agreement.

“-Um, okay! Sure, girl!”

“Where is-” Xeno looked side to side, trying to spot xer own face in the wide open corners of the storage locker. Xe leaned over Denise’s desk, as if he’d be hiding underneath it. Nothing. “You said he was here? Where’d he go?”

“Your brother? Oh, he said for me to tell you he’d be right back.”

Time to panic. Xeno drew a hand up xer white hair, unsure at  _ all _ what to do with that answer. Was he going back to the house? Was he still here? Why rope Denise into this at all, except to be dramatic? Xe’d been called  _ three times.  _ That means xer fetch stood here, at the front desk, while Denise said  _ “Sorry, no answer!”  _ and this motherfucker tapped his fingers against the desk going, “No, no, just try xer again-”  _ twice.  _

Denise watched xer carefully. She seemed to pick up on the fact that something was going on, and leaned in quietly.

“...Hey, is everything good over there?”

“-Fine! -Girl!” Xe smiled, unconvincingly, now jostled out of whatever decision paralysis had seized xer and ready to move. Xe was already on the way to the elevator, when xe looked back and called, 

“Just- Just call me as soon as he shows up again, alright?”

“Um- Sure thing-?”

She called, watching xer slide into the elevator. Xe did a little dance to press the elevator button with xer elbow, while reaching into xer pocket to dial Laura. The elevator shook, and slid upwards while the phone sputtered to connection. Eventually, the phone reached the number.

“...Hello?”

“ _ Laura! _ Hey, I need you to call me if-”

“-Gotcha! Just kidding, you’ve reached the voicemail box of-”

Xeno almost threw the phone against the wall. Curse xer family's knack for poorly timed humor. Instead, xe waited for the beep.

_ “Laura! _ I need you to call me if- uh-” 

The elevator dinged open. The cold, metal storage locker revealed itself in front of xer. Xe had forgotten how dark it was here, when you first arrived, before the lights detected your presence. That darkness was both a comfort and a warning- xe couldn’t see anything hiding between it’s corridors, but it meant xe might take some comfort in the thought xe might be the only one here. That was, if xe trusted the lights. That was, if no one was hiding in wait, frozen in the dark long enough for the motion detectors to turn off.

Xe walked along to 235. The silvery walls around xer always showed back hints of blue. Xe rebalanced xerself, flipping the phone to the other ear.

“Sorry, can you just call me if you see- A-”

When xe caught up to the other side of the sentence, xe abruptly realized xe had no clue how to end it. Xe really would have to explain everything to Laura when this was over, it was becoming too much to dance around it. The changeling panicked, feeling the pause grow too long.

“Gas leak! If there’s a gas leak.”

Saved it.

“Because I think, um, there might be one, actually, in the house,” Xe was growing more nervous with every dark corridor xe passed. Xe wished the glow emanating from xer bones could tell xer what was down there. Each and every footstep was gathered up in the echoing chamber and thrown back at xer, and the further xe went, the further xer guard went up. How did xe keep winding up in places with clean, white walls, and with shadows that played tricks on xer eyes? How had xe not noticed the resemblance before? Xe felt like every corner was watching xer, like every door xe passed should have contained a scream, or a body. It was the mechanism that were turning the lights on after xer, not the eyes of a Keeper.

“And I’m worried that, you might, see things,  _ weird  _ things, or the family might be in danger, so, just- get out, okay? Um- talk to you later!” Xe hung up. Xe quickly dialed for an emergency number. “Hi, I’d like to report a gas leak at-”

The light flickered on overhead. 235 was already opened. Xer voice caught briefly on xer throat as xe stuttered out the address. It was getting hard to even think about the phonecall, not when so much of xer mind wanted to be present in the moment, not when xe was so sure these metal halls were going to eat xer whole. Xe rounded the corner, and looked inside.

“-Thanks, bye.”

The only light into the locker was the hall light, and xer own, eerie glow. The locker and it’s contents was cast under a dim curtain, that only got darker the farther back you went. Xe could see lines of xer own, cyan reflection caught on the broken bits of the lid of the cryofreezer, that was hooked up in the corner.

Xe approached it, carefully, anxiety in every step, as if it wasn’t already clear it was broken from the inside.

And then an existential nightmare in khakis jumped out from the side, and shot xer with a Stun Gun on the spot.


	5. Chapter 5

Xeno felt xer muscles spasm, and then lock in place- ambushed by an electric tightness that ran down to xer bones. As xe felt xer body seize up and control slip away, xe found xerself collapsing in on xer knees and toppling over, twitching and chattering. The changeling cursed xerself the whole way down. What was the use of being in constant fight or flight if it didn’t help xer the one time it mattered?

“ _ You _ ,” Speaks a voice- xer own voice, but dripping with hatred and ire, and suddenly xe understood all the frenzied anger xe was capable of. Xe felt a foot on xer back. Alex put a hand on the back of xer head, gripping a tuft of hair and dragging xer head backwards so their eyes met.

“See, I  _ knew  _ I felt your approach. I  _ knew _ I did. Your existence is like a flea- an itch up my back on the fabric of my creation, a filthy  _ tick _ that’s latched itself onto my space and come to try and dry me of my blood. I felt that itch down that dark alley, on my way to what I thought was home- I was a fool to ignore you, I will admit! But see, we must have something in common, because you-  _ You  _ were a fool to ignore  _ me!” _

He lets go of the hair and delivers a sharp kick to xer side, sending Xeno careening off across the white metal floor and crashing into the locker door across the way. The spotlight flickers on overhead, blaring into xer eyes with sudden light. It wouldn’t have been so dizzying if it weren’t for the adrenaline rushing through xer. However, the crash came with something important-  _ sensation. _ It wasn’t much, but it was enough for xer to cling to.

This was not good. This was, in fact, very much the opposite of good.

Xer mind went racing for something to do. Xe had taken  _ precisely  _ accurate measurements on how long this stun gun affected people of xer size and weight, given that xe had literally tested it on xerself. If this guy meant business, then xe wouldn’t have nearly enough time to fight back. There had to be something xe could do. There was always  _ something  _ xe could do- but xer hands were frozen minus the wiggling in xer fingers and he was standing over xer and-

There was really only one conclusion here, and xe hated that xe hadn’t realized it sooner. Alex had lured Xeno to this spot. Alex could have gone home and taken everyone by surprise, but he had cornered xer.

“...What do you want from me?” The question was a tired reflection of the very same thing he had asked earlier. Xeno watched the grin form on Alex’s face.

“To thank you, to be honest!” He said, stepping out of the dark of the storage locker, and into the spotlight. 

“I feel like I’ve found a new calling for myself! Not too long ago, I was like every other human- but  _ you _ , you crawled upon my back and woke me up to what I  _ am _ . Do you know what it is like, for someone to be sleepwalking as a human- and just  _ realize,  _ suddenly  _ realize everything!?  _ That I am connected to powers far beyond our imagination! That I am a creation in the hands of  _ gods! _ And suddenly I understood  _ everything.  _ Everything about my existence, everything about why I’m here- why, little flee that you are, I had been sleepwalking for my whole life! Now I understand I am so much  _ more. _ ”

Xeno’s eyes fluttered open wide. The dramatics, the phone call, the speech-

Oh dear  _ god _ , he’s  _ monologuing _ . He’s been cooped up here this whole time and now he’s  _ monologuing.  _ Somewhere deep down, they were both the same amount of idiot. Maybe even the same  _ kind  _ of idiot _.  _ Oh my god, has he not noticed that he’s an  _ idiot?  _

“-You’ll never get away with this!” Xeno shouted, with enough bravado to make a saturday morning cartoon proud. Alex raised his eyebrow, then- laughed. He ran his hand through his hair and laughed,  _ laughed _ that low, guttural laugh, coming out sounding both lackadaisical and menacing all at once.

“Oh, but I already have.”

_ Bingo. _

“Now, you _see_ , I want you to imagine what it is to come into such a world-shaking realization, and then _immediately_ be denied from it. Do you understand what that’s _like?_ Do you understand what it is to be denied _the world?”_

“Actually, I-”

“Shut up, I’m talking. What I’m _saying_ is, I’ve tasted true knowledge! True _power!_ You and I both understand just how much those things intersect, don’t we? Now, _what_ _I_ don’t understand is why you, _you_ were the one who got to harness it! You, who ran from it- when _I’m_ the one who was _born_ from the fabric of Arcadia!”

Xe kept looking side to side. Xe wanted to have a better sense of the time. Xe knew how  _ long _ the effects of the stun gun should go, but xer heart was pumping in xer head and adrenaline was making xer dizzy and there were no clocks in sight in this hallway and everything was dark except for them and  _ time  _ was so  _ hard  _ when you were panicked. Xe could begin to feel xer feet. Could xe run? Perhaps not well, but xe’d ran on legs in worse shape-

Keep talking. Xe needed to keep talking. 

“And, so, what, you’re out here embracing some kind of Arcadian heritage while on a bend for power? That’s weirdly specific, are you sure you don’t want to just go back to math class or something, continue the human life?” 

“Oh, my dear mirror, my dear Al- Er-” Alex squinted down.

"Do you have, like, a name? You're just- the blueberry bastard in my head. You can't have  _ my _ name, by the way. If I hear that you've sullied it further-"

"-Oh! S’all yours! I'm going by Xeno!"

"Well, Xeno!" 

Alex returned brightly to his megalomania without missing a beat. “My purpose isn’t to capitalize on this world, it’s to capitalize on the world  _ beyond!  _ And there’s so much more to it, Xeno.  _ So, so much more.  _ Because now I know my hatred for you is  _ divine.  _ Now I know, I know the existential calling, and it is to be your personal horror _.  _ And now, I have you, cornered and alone and  _ so, so very _ afraid. Don’t pretend to hide it. And after I fulfill my purpose of killing your name? Of  _ ruining  _ you? Of  _ decemating _ you?”

Alex leaned in close, close enough that his glasses reflected the white light from Xeno’s bones, obscuring his eyes entirely. The fetch reached forward, and grabbed one of the guns that xe had strapped to xerself. Was that, dramatic ironies of ironies, the freeze ray? Or was it something more lethal? More potent? At any rate, at this closeness, xe doubted there was a difference. He pointed it at xer.

“We’ll see what arcadia wants me to do with  _ them _ , too.”

Xeno swallowed. It was now or never. With xer limited motor control, Xeno did the one thing that xe knew would mess up Alex the most, the one thing xe  _ knew  _ would  _ shatter _ his vision of this dramatic final showdown to the point he  _ would not  _ let it fly, and reached forward and pantsed xer fetch.

Alex erupted into shouts. 

“What the  _ fresh forgone fuck- _ ”

Xeno zipped and ran out from under him. Thank god for khakis. Xe will never make fun of khakis ever again in xer life.

Xer feet felt like rubber, movements heavy and clumsy- but xe was getting  _ away,  _ god damn it, and xe was managing to do it  _ fast _ . Alex, behind him and still thrown by the ridiculousness of it all, spent a few precious seconds firing wildly in the air, but to no avail. There was an attempt to follow xer- but everything was going so infuriatingly  _ fast _ , and Alex stumbled  _ just  _ enough to throw himself off for a second longer, and- by the time he had corrected the foul, Xeno had rounded the corner.

Xeno ran against the wall, lights flickering on overhead and giving away xer location. The numbness was beginning to seep out of xer bones- which was great! Except for the fact that xe was slowly realizing exactly how shot xe was from Alex’s surprised flailing with the gun. Xer shoulder had suffered worse bites than this, so it wouldn’t kill xer, right? No, wait, at least, xe was  _ pretty  _ sure it wouldn’t kill xer? 

Wait. 

Oh, mother of  _ crap _ , xe didn’t have a predatory supernatural surgeon bent on keeping xer  _ alive  _ anymore. The thought collided quickly into xer skull and upturned all  _ kinds _ of emotions. Horror swirled with a grateful despair, causing xer mind to whip bitterly into a backlash of  _ fuck you,  _ fuck _ YOU I’m not grateful for this  _ and-- Nope. Nuh-uh. None of them were things xe could deal with right now, and thus Xeno quietly put the feeling in a box so that xe could unpack it while xe wasn’t actively being chased.

Right now, xe had to keep running. Adrenaline chased behind xer like the snapping mouth of a crocodile. As xe ran, xe could hear Alex calling out from behind.

“Get  _ back _ here, you-”

Xe ducked down another hallway. The fetch had a gun, which meant the less time xe spent in the line of fire, the better. Xe had a head start- xe would have to  _ keep  _ it. Xer mind was whirling to evaluate the situation. The only bad thing about wacky chase scenes was there was less time to  _ think. _

Judging by the searing pain emanating from xer shoulder, he had _probably_ grabbed the _fire ray-_ which was like the freeze ray, except exactly not that in every conceivable way possible. Xe did _not_ want to get caught in that more than necessary. On the way in, xe had made sure to grab the freeze ray that had bought xer this much time in the first place- and had enough trust in it that it was the one xe was wielding as xe approached the fridge. 

Which, consequently, meant xe had almost  _ certainly _ dropped it after getting stunned. 

Damn it. 

Right now, xe would have to assume Alex was at  _ least  _ enough of a non-idiot to grab it. If xe was going to put Alex away again, xe would have to find a way to snag the gun once more.

“C’mon, Xeno!” Alex’s voice was calling over the locker, amplified by the place’s metallic emptiness. “You’re too  _ smart  _ to leave me alone again, aren’t you!?”

Xeno called over xer shoulder. “Y’know, It’s really admirable that you keep trying to engage me into banter-”

Xeno was regaining more of xerself with every frenzied step. Xe hoped to god xer days of running down hospital corridors meant  _ something  _ out here in the real world, gave xer  _ some  _ kind of advantage over this ivory tower academic- but xe knew that would be far too fair a reality for an echo of the Fae to abide by. Xe was zig-zagging up and down the locker, at one point barely avoiding a searing haircut as another concentrated laser shot directly above xer head. 

Xe couldn’t run forever. 

Xe patted for the two guns xe had left at xer side- and withdrew the  _ Sonic Ray.  _ It had a megaphone barrel that, frankly, made it look too ridiculous for anything  _ except  _ wacky hijinks, and a little tab xe could draw back to fire. Xe was nervous about launching it, here in the halls of the storage locker- where every echo that got trapped in this metal series of hallways reverberated until it had been amplified tenfold. But- odds were stacked against xer. At the very least, he wouldn’t see it coming. 

The changeling was running down another hallway, with Alex only a few steps behind. Xe would have to time this  _ right,  _ before he caught up to xer. Xer boots swiveled on the ground as xe rounded the corner once more- and with the shield of the wall between them to prevent Alex from seeing what xe was planning, Xeno withdrew the tab on the Sonic Ray as far as it would allow, and- as soon as Alex rounded the corner- pulled the trigger.

A concentrated explosion of sound erupted forwards, practically toppling the Fetch backwards with the force of it all. Alex shouted, disoriented- caught between pressing his hands to his ears, and letting go of the hard metal rayguns that had been stolen from his counterpart. The stun ray slipped from his fingers and clattered to the ground. Xeno grinned, and stood, valiant and triumphant as Xe withdrew the fourth gun xe had brought along with xer.

“So long, buddy.”

The little fan at the gun’s head whirred, and a series of bubbles flew out of it.

Xe stared down the barrel of the gun incredulously.

“Okay, so-” Xe shouted, tapping the gun against xer palm, and feeling as little soapy water droplets came out onto xer hand. “So, turns out this one’s  _ actually  _ a squirtgun-”

“-WHAT!?”

“Right, right, okay-”

Xe had to act quick, before Alex remembered that this wasn’t about bantering as much as it was about cold blooded murder. Xeno launched forward, grabbing first for the freeze ray. The  _ entire  _ battle could be decided by who fired that first. Two hands- identical except for bandages and scars- tussled in equal strength for the handle of the gun. 

Alex grimaced, damn determined. He made the in-moment decision to send the ray that had Xeno’s attention clattering backwards- the changeling would have to go through him to get it, and- well,  _ he _ had the fire ray. Xeno barely avoided as Alex pulled the trigger, white labcoat grazed and browned by the heat of the laser as it collided into the back of the hall. Being in front of the gun was too much a risk- Xeno moved forward past Alex’s arm, pressing xer hand underneath it and using xer sharp shoulders so that his aim was now forced directly towards the ceiling instead of at xer. Xeno pushed forward and Alex walked backwards and the two carried on like that, right up until the fetch’s back hit the wall. They struggled, locked in that stalemate- both vying for control of the fight.

The fetch grimaced. His arm arched forward, pushing against Xeno’s resistance.

"Are-" Alex grit those teeth, locked with his copycat. "-Wait, are those  _ braids _ in your hair?" 

"-Huh?” Xeno blinked, then- smiled. Xe pressed upwards- Alex’s arm arched more towards the ceiling. “Oh, yeah! Charlie and Olivia did them! Aren't they neat?" 

Alex narrowed his eyes, peering closely at the changeling for the first time. "Is that…. Is that an Elsa hairclip?"   
"Yeah, Charlie said I looked like her- Did you know there’s a sequel!? There’s a whole second movie and-" 

“That’s- that’s so dumb.” He said, the pinnacle of unimpressed. “God, you’re  _ so _ dumb.”

"Wh- Hey no  _ wait _ how  _ dare you _ !" 

The struggle with the gun came to it’s tipping point- Xeno pushed Alex’s arm sideways. The edge of the gun scraped and clattered against the patterned metal landscape of the wall before landing on the ground. Both pairs of hands went reaching for it. Alex, desperate to keep it out of Xeno’s hands, landed a kick with his foot and sent the gun skittering across the floor. There was a brief moment of eye contact- and then, fetch and changeling both went running in opposite directions. Xeno towards the freeze ray, Alex towards the fire ray.

The two sprinted to each end of the reflective hallway, grabbing their guns and turning in perfect time with their mirror. No one else across time and space could have pulled the triggers in more perfect sync. Fire and ice shot across the space between them, colliding with unnatural precision into a whirl of red and blue in the center of the hallway. Alex and Xeno braced themselves against the rush of wind and vapor- the force of which tousled hair and labcoats alike. 

The two pressed their feet into the ground, caught in steadying themselves against this typhoon of a hallway. By the time the air had calmed, Alex and Xeno were left gripping the wall, heaving, breathing. In a similar motion of uncanny reflection, both lifted their guns to point at the other- only for both of them simultaneously to realize they would only recreate the same explosion if they shot. They lowered the weapons.  _ Then,  _ they saw the other one lowering it, and raised it again. 

Was this a stalemate?

Every moment leading up to this had been packed with life or death adrenaline. As Xeno and Alex made eye contact from across the hallway, and both simultaneously realized the other wasn’t immediately firing- the two found themselves entering a tense, surreal truce, a spot to catch their breath from chasing each other up and down the locker.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

“...Dude, are you-” Of course Alex was the first to speak. He raised an eyebrow, observing his reflection from across the room. 

“Wait, are you  _ crying _ ?”

Xeno  _ was _ crying, but it wasn’t cool of Alex to just  _ say  _ that, not in the middle of their cool cinematic fight scene. Alex’s grip on the gun wavered. What semblances of humanity had been left in the construct were rapidly trying to determine if he had qualms about shooting a crying guy.

“ _ Dude-! _ ”

“Sorry, this is just-” Xe dragged xer free sleeve across xer face. 

“This is just a really good hijink!? I’m sorry, I’ve just got a  _ lot _ on my mind right now and I think I  _ really  _ needed this and-”

“Do you- Do you-” Alex, furiously confused and having only recently awoken to this whole ‘antagonist’ thing, struggled for the right response. He looked to the gun. He looked to Xeno.

“Do you want to  _ stop?” _

Xeno took a moment to think about it. Then, after considering it long enough, shook xer head decisively.

“No, no, it’s fine, I-” Xeno put a hand out. “I’m fine, I can keep going-”

“-Oh. Good, because- I was pretty much going to anyway-” 

“-Yeah, I know you were,”

“Like, I cannot describe how much I _really_ just want to beat the shit out of you-”  
“-Yeah, I know you do,”

Alex resumed his position and kept the gun pointed at Xeno, as if the exchange had never happened. Xeno did much the same, rubbing off the last of the evidence of those pesky unfun emotions and resumed their standoff. Guns pointed at one another, they stared down one another. No one had to say anything for both of them to know the truce was broken. Even still, they hadn’t yet broken the stalemate.

Then, Alex fell out of sync. His eyes flickered to the side and he swung his gun to the right, feet swiveling backwards so that he was running in the opposite direction. Just as quick Xeno had realized he was up to something- and they both fired. Once more, their triggers were pulled at the exact same second- fire shot it’s way down the hallway to an unknown target, and Xeno witnessed the ice ray catch just enough on his left arm to claim it in it’s frozen grip. That was the last Xeno saw, however, before the locker erupted into sounds of sparks and frayed wires.

Then, everything went black.

All the lights above shut off, motion detector or not- and Xeno realized with horror the immediate disadvantage this presented. Every surface around xer was caught in the eerie, ghostly blue glow of xer bones. Every shining corner of this storage locker gave xer presence away from a mile away. 

Alex could see xer- but xe couldn’t see him.

“No, no,  _ no-” _

Panic gripped xer. Xer heart pumped vividly in xer chest. If xe looked down, xe knew xe would see it- transparent and blue and thumping wildly.

The halls of this locker took on a much more ominous tone in xer mind. Xe was stuck in a maze of similar looking corridors, surrounded by the possibility of doom, with blurry walls that reflected back only xer skeleton and leaving out everything between. What was that xe had read forever ago, about soldiers seeing the supermarket like a jungle? What did it mean if it was actually a battlefield?

It would be so easy to stop. So easy to let the panic seize xer bones, to allow the paralysis of fear to take xer under and accept defeat. Xe already felt ragged, and tired. But xer feet carried xer before xer mind did. Air rushed in and out of xer lungs and past xer face, rushing into the dark. Xe wasn’t sure where xe would wind up, but it was better to be on the move than caught in one spot. Alex had gone to the left. Therefore, xe would be running to the  _ right _ .

Think, think, think-

Remaining in any single hallway became increasingly deadly. Xe had anywhere from 2-3 entrances to be shot at, from any point from the dark. Xer options were to either try and spot Alex in the glow of xer own light and shoot him- to which xe doubted xe was  _ ever  _ going to be able to get that close, given that he had a ranged weapon, and knew full well what he was doing- Or, to somehow get the lights working again, something equally unlikely given that xe would have to be fixing it while actively being under fire. Every second counted in an encounter like this. Every second mattered-

A red streak bolted past xer face and flashed through the darkness, colliding into a cloud of neon and smoke with the wall. Xe screamed. Xeno found xerself swerving to the side to avoid it, uninjured shoulder jamming into the wall with newfound force. Xe whipped around, shooting xer gun into the dark. Xe watched the thin white glow form around the nozzle of the gun as it shot off- increasing xer visibility for only a few seconds, before firing. Xe managed to catch the faintest image of Alex ducking to the side, to avoid xer own blast.

They’d both missed. Keep moving.

Xeno pulled the freeze ray to the front of xer vision, fingers flying furiously to mess with the settings. It was hard to get anything precise, running up and down like this- but xe didn’t need precise, xe only needed to scatter the aperture. Turn up the concentration here, turn the nozzle there… 

If xe was going to be his big glowing target, xe could at least make xerself harder to follow. 

Xe held the gun behind xer, keeping xer finger pressed down on the trigger and letting the freeze ray’s beam linger on the ground as xe passed over it. Ragged, uneven ice trailed behind xer. The thin white light became a constant accompaniment to xer sprint. Xe hadn’t  _ really  _ thoroughly tested this feature- but now was as good a time as any, right?

Xe hoped.

God, this was probably not good for the infrastructure. Xe would have to send Denise so many of those fruit baskets shaped like flowers if xe survived this.

It wasn’t too long later that xe heard the furious squeaking of sneakers against the floor, followed by a loud, painful  _ thump  _ that was too loud to just be a small crash into a wall _. _ The sound of Alex yelling a series of meaningless swears echoed between the storage locker’s chambers, giving Xeno an alarming amount of satisfaction as xer boots skidded down another hallway. 

The thought that Alex wasn’t immediately on xer tail cleared up space in xer mind to think a little more clearly. With a quick dart to check the numbers on the lockers around xer, xe called to mind xer internal map of the area.  _ 246, 244, 242….  _ Locker 235 wasn’t too far from here. Xe couldn’t fix the lights. Xe couldn’t bet on getting a good aim. But something in there might be able to help.

With only a half formulated plan, xe turned down to the next block of lockers. Keeping in mind the vague direction Alex’s shouts were last heard in, xe made sure to lay the icy terrain on thick on that side’s entrance into the 170s. Xe had to constantly balance between spending enough time on it for it to  _ count,  _ and not letting a single second run too late. Xe could feel the clock ticking. Xe didn’t even know if it would  _ help,  _ really- but there was no time to second guess that. If xe thought even long enough to doubt, xe was doomed.

Xe ran to 235. It was still open from when xe first had made xer approach. Xe darted inside. Most of xer equipment, and xer creations had been transferred over to Laura’s house in the move. All xe had left in here was a box of oversized snuggies from goodwill, a stuffed cat that xe had found underneath a pile in the junkyard, an empty monster energy can, and another  _ Ghostbusters  _ car engine prototype that started up to a satisfying amount of spectacle, but, overall, didn’t work.

Xe gritted xer teeth.

_ Think, think, think- _

Alex wasn’t talking anymore, but there were other kinds of psychological warfare.

Xe threw the box of snuggies on the ground and kicked it so the cardboard and all it’s contents were sent careening smoothly out of the storage locker. As it rolled, xe grabbed for the heavy car engine, dragging it out so it skidded to be a bit more front and center. Xe yanked a chord from it’s back and tapped it, letting the machine whirr to life in a disco ball of color and cheap, sci-fi special effect noises. Xe dived out of the storage locker, and grabbed the handle, pulling it down with all xer body weight and sending the entire storage locker echoing with the loud, shaky noise. Xe backed away. Alex would have to be close by now. There is no  _ way  _ he wouldn’t have heard that.

Xe grabbed the first black snuggie from the top of the pile, and threw xerself under it. The mirage of skeletons surrounding xer reflection vanished instantly as xe crowded xerself into the wall.  _ Be small. _ Being small has its advantages. Being small means they don’t notice you. Being small means they might leave you alone.

Alex shot his way through a particularly troublesome blockade of ice. 

He hadn’t figured out how to get his laser going in a constant stream yet, and had gone from aggressively shooting down any ice he saw, to using it to strategically melt the parts that he struggled with. He planted his shoes on the most rocky, uneven portions of the frantically applied terrain- it was better than taking his chances with the slicker portions, even if it was slower. He kept a hand steady on the wall as he made his climb. He looked infuriated with the delay- but as his eyes settled on the spectacle of light and show emanating from the cracks in locker 235, he reached a hand out towards the bottom.

“What’re you up to now…”

He reached down.

The Changeling had kept xer ears peeled to the soundscape of the locker and xe knew  _ immediately _ what the cascading sound of the garage door meant. As soon as it began, Xeno sprang into action and leapt from xer fuzzy hiding place, brandishing the freeze ray and pointing it right at the fetch. 

Xe didn’t stop to take in anything about the fetch before  _ firing,  _ before snapping into action and pulling the trigger like it was the last thing xe was ever going to do. Alex whirled around, throwing an arm over himself as if that could try and- but freezing it solidly in place. Frost gathered over the hand with the gun. The hand shook furiously- but nothing budged.

It was now that Xeno noticed the damage that had been done to the Fetch’s other arm- the one xe  _ had _ managed to land a shot on, back when the lights had just gone out. It had apparently been thawed- unevenly, perhaps thanks to some creative application of the fire ray- but it wrinkled and buckled in ways skin was not meant to. It had the quality like that of a stack of distorted, water damaged papers that were perhaps once carved into a human shape, and now left to wander.

The freeze ray’s settings had been changed. Maybe they were right for casting a layer of frost over the wide ground, but by scattering the concentrated laser xe had altered the ray so that Alex’s body did not freeze into place immediately. He advanced upon xer, thrashing against the storm coming out of xer hands. Xeno realized the ray was taking too long and backed away- watching as the fetch furiously fought through it to grab at xer. Xer back hit the wall. Xe tried to move to the side without taking xer aim off the fetch. Xe-

Alex swung his shoulders and sent the heavy, rock-frozen arm in a path towards the gun and xer face. The ray clattered as it collided. Xe felt the hit meet xer lips, the force of it knocking xer glasses loose. Xe thought xe heard a cracking sound next to xer ear, but xe wouldn’t notice the white line across xer vision until later. There would be a bruise there soon enough.

Xeno felt xer back scrape against the wall. Fight or flight took over, and xe sent xer arms out thrashing. Something xe did sent Alex swinging to the ground, and as he collides with the metal floor, a violent crack is sent running up through the foundations of the Fetch. Xe watched with surreality as the arm holding the gun, the one that took the brunt of the freeze ray, shattered around the rotator cuff like a piece of glass. There is no blood- just a thick, chemical smell, that made Xeno’s stomach turn. The edges are unnaturally sharp, coming off in paper-thin layers that looked anything but human. Alex’s arm layed separate from the man’s body, which heaved in broken breaths from the floor.

Xeno leaned down. Xe picked up the segmented arm, dragging it away from Alex’s tired body. Xe reach out and clawed xer own fingers into the space between the frozen hand, and the fire ray. Xe felt some of those fingers snap. Xe held the gun in xer hands.

It was now that xe took the time to stare at Alex.

Why had xe kept him? Why did xe keep him alive? Xe raised the ray gun at him. The freeze ray preserves, the ray gun does not. Alex had been shooting to kill this whole time. Had xe?

Xe felt the tip of xer finger linger over the trigger to the gun. Alex stirred.

_ No,  _ xe thought. No, xe wanted him alive. He was right about one thing- he knew more about the fae than xe did. If xe was ever going to understand what happened to xer, xe needed him. There were no other leads. For all xe knew, xe could be the only person in the world to walk out of Arcadia alive.

Xe turned around, put the ray gun back into it’s holster, and picked up the freeze ray instead. Xe switched the settings back, once more centering the beam- and turned it onto Alex. When xe pulled the trigger, xe watched as the ice overtook him and locked him in place, a crawling, unsettling stillness dragging what was left of Alex under. 

Xeno’s whole body breathed a sigh of relief. Xe hadn’t meant to let the freeze ray slip out of xer hands, but it did, clattering to the ground as every bit of weight dropped off xer shoulders at once. Exhaustion broke through like a flood.

Oh, dear god.

Xe stumbled back, finding rest against a wall instead of the floor. Xer legs felt like jelly- so tired, xe almost didn’t trust them to carry xer down. Xer heart still beat in xer chest, rabid and wild. This was the part where things should feel-  _ okay,  _ right? Xe won, didn’t xe? Taking a moment of calm meant that the cloud of adrenaline that gathered around xer was subsiding, meant that xer shoulder wound was getting louder about it’s pain. Between thoughts of dizzying relief, xer current situation tugged at the back of xer head. There was still the matter of the frozen fetch on the floor.

How was xe going to contain him again?

Xe was too tired to think of solutions. Perhaps xe was being impractical, perhaps it would be better to simply just kill him and be done with it-

Xeno hadn’t noticed the soft, scuttling behind xer until a hand with broken fingers gripped the back of xer leg. Xe shouted as xe whirled around- witnessing as the disembodied arm that had been left unfrozen bent it’s way up xer leg, reaching out towards xer with a distorted hand. It was unraveling away from human, actively dissolving and morphing into a caricature of horror. 

Xeno had the ray gun in xer hands, but the arm was too close to fire- not unless xe wanted to blast xer leg off with it. Xe kicked violently, feeling it’s fingers curling and trying to grasp onto xer pant leg. It’s dilapidated shape did it no favors. When it finally was knocked loose and landed on the ground, Xeno’s foot delivered a sharp kick into it’s side. 

Xe watched as the already falling apart limb careened off and shattered with the wall. The arm exploded into a spiral of waiting room magazines and pamphlets. A pungent smell broke into the air and woke up visions inside xer head, made xer feel nauseous and dizzy just from the contact. 

Xe was breathing heavy, when xe approached the aftermath. 

As xe stepped forward, xer own glow provided illumination. Something inside xer spared a thought towards cleaning it up- because,  _ well _ , it was hospital debris, you see, and someone might be unhappy if they saw xe hadn’t done it yet. The thought was about as sensible as every other one that gripped xer insides.

Xe observed a blue, latex glove dropped from where the hand must have been. Little tubes that might have been acting as veins connected back up to an IV drip, which sloshed and collapsed into the floor torn open and spilling out, the source of the chemical smell that was invading xer heartbeat and making xer head feel like acid. Xer eyes glossed over the names on the pamphlets, with their happy faces and bullet pointed information. Xer foot was on top of one. Xe moved it to the side, and the word  _ “Osteosarcoma”  _ shot into xer eyeballs and into xer brain like the blade of a scalpel and xer ears were ringing and xer eyes were blurry and before xe knew it, the ray gun was drawn and the word was obliterated.

_ “Finding a Grief Counselor that’s right for you” _

_ “Inpatient Rehabilitation Programs” _

_ “What is the ‘five-year’ survival rate?” _

The beam of the ray shot clean across them all, leaving black streaks into the ground and red edges as tiny flame ate away at the paper. Xe didn’t want to see them. Xe didn’t want to think about them. Xe didn’t want to breathe the same air, not if it might have been stolen from that hospital room, not if the arm of the Fetch had bottled it away the night it formed while xe was dragged into a hall of endless surgery. Xe wanted none of it. Xe wanted it all  _ gone _ . 

Sometimes, xe swore xe could still feel the radiation crawling along xer skin. 

The doctors all told xer that that was impossible. Xe wouldn’t feel a thing, it was painless, you see- you can not see, hear, or smell radiation. But xe  _ swore  _ xe could feel the radiation inside xer, xe swore at times it  _ had  _ to be tearing into xer, keeping xer up at night- like xe was crawling with tiny thorns breaking down xer DNA and ripping xer cells apart. How could something like radiation just feel like  _ nothing?  _

How could all this  _ nothing  _ continue to  _ follow xer _ ?

Xe shot until the papers were not recognizable as anything except ash. Xe shot until every helpful word they had to say was scattered to the air. And when xe had run out of words that were trying to help xer, xe just shot into the pile of ash, shot until xe couldn’t breathe and it was time to lie down and pick up the pieces.

The fight was over. Those words circled xer brain over and over, the last thought xer reasonable mind was able to conjure.  _ The fight was over.  _ Put it all down.

Finally, xe stood up. Finally, xe got xerself together. Finally, xe went back to that broken machine, found where it had gone wrong, and began the process of moving Alex back into it.


	6. Chapter 6

“So- they didn’t find a gas leak,”

Laura said from the steps to her house, watching as her sibling climbed up and out of the shambling vehicle. Her voice passed through Xeno like air. She called xer name again- well,  _ one _ of the names- and finally, xe looked up, expression blank.

“-What?”

“You... called about a gas leak?”

  
Xeno stared. Xe eventually nodded, vacantly. “-Oh. Yeah.”

“Yeah, no, the guy came by and everything- went through the house, said he couldn’t find anything unusual. I think it scared Olivia a little bit to let him in the house, you know how she is, gotta feel in charge- Did you call them? Because I was like, literally on the phone when-”

Laura descended the steps, then- stopped. 

“Christ, you look like shit.”

“Thanks,” Xe said, vaguely, too tired to be phased by the statement. Xe offered a tired, toothy grin, as if accepting it with a joke made it less weird. 

“Did you- fall on your face or something?  _ Jeez,  _ you cracked your glasses-”

“Yeah,”

”Hey, uh... Where- Where were you today?”

Xeno tried to move past her but Laura stopped xer. She was staring at xer, speaking clumsily over her concern which was growing ever so much louder. She watched her sibling closely. She didn’t like the way xer hand had slipped under xer coat, the way xe was gripping at xer own shoulder.

“I was… Uh…” Xeno’s mouth felt dry, and rubbery. Xer legs hurt, exhausted from running. Every thought racing through xer head was too loud and too fast, and none of them felt like they could be contained in something as simple as words. 

Xe was so tired. 

"Are you  _ crying? _ " 

Xe hated when people pointed that out. Why did people have to point it out? Why couldn't people let xer internal narrative be something fun, something goofy and spectacular and good? Xe swallowed, and- simply met her eyes.

“...I’m… I’m going to bed.”

Laura stared- lost, confused, uneasy. She didn’t know what to do, so- in the uncertainty of the movement, she let xer pass through. 

Xe moved stiffly, up and through the front door of the house. The sound of the TV playing in the background felt like it was happening a mile away. Xer feet felt strange on the stairs, as xe pushed xerself up them mechanically, tiredly, towards xer sleeping quarters. Xe opened the door to xer room, and promptly collapsed into the bed.

Xe wanted to stay there forever. Stay, in a landscape that was plush and soft and kind and most decidedly  _ not  _ an operating table, until xe melted in there and xe couldn’t hear xer thoughts anymore. This was going to be home. This was going to be home now, and that was going to make things okay.

Xe could feel that sleep was just a moment away- but xe held back from falling into there immediately. Xe was bleeding from the shoulder, and xe ought to put a towel down over this bed first, because it wasn’t  _ really _ xers, and people find you so terribly inconvenient when you bleed on their things.

Xeno pulled xerself out of xer comfortable stasis- a task that took great effort, like xe was pulling xerself up with hands made of ribbons- and made a quick detour to the bathroom, laid down something to catch the blood, and then sunk back into the bed like leaden weights. Xer eyes closed.

* * *

The ceiling warped and changed in xer eyes. Patterns awoke, spiraling into hands and eyes and gentle, gentle smiles. Xe had had conversations with this ceiling before, it only made sense for it to start to talk back. Two hands as thick as shadow reach down to caress xer chin, descending from the ceiling in long, long limbs until they can cup xer like the finest treasure.

It’s nice, being wanted.

The smile opens up and it rains teeth all around xer. Molars bounce off xer glasses and gather around xer feet. Xe doesn’t move. Why should xe? The smile is hungry, but it would be so unkind to leave it unfed. 

_ My child, my child, what is it like to be a corpse? Your loved ones all stare at you with such grief in their eyes, as if you were already gone. Can you feel your own funeral in the air? Your mother’s shrill voice lashes out at the men and women in the white coats, like you, desperate to understand. She thinks you will die hating her, and she keeps begging you to stop. You don’t understand what you can do about that. Listen to your sister cry as she, for the first time, doesn’t know how to help you. She sits there while you sink into your body. She’s tired of being the only adult here. You hate to make her cry. You don’t know if there’s anything you can do about that, either. How helpless you are to this terrible, terrible sickness. But let me tell you a secret- you  _ can  _ do something. You’re one of the special ones, Xeno. You’re one of the ones that make it to the end. Wouldn’t you like to live, child? If not for you, for them? _

“Yes,” Xe replies, and xer voice is small inside a body that is sore and disintegrating. Xe is watching pieces of xerself fall off and wither away, watching as the wind collects xer hair. You could paint a sunset with xer bruises. They form so easily now that the blood is clotting. 

_ My child, my child, this sickness is not a surface one. It is writhing and alive down deep in your bones. It’s as if those very bones are trying to break free from the confines of your skin. Pins and needles cry out from underneath you, phantom syringes prying their way through cracks in your fingertips in your knees in your flesh in your  _ you _. Sweat gathers on your brow, stealing your sleep as you write in your own aching nausea every night and every night and every night, as you think to yourself- will you die like this? Will your death feel this way? Every day the sun rises, and you ask yourself if it's possible to feel normal- can you die on a day that's normal?  _

_ Would you do me the honor of trading me your pain? Would you please allow me to take it from you? _

“Please,” Xe replies, desperate, with a voice that is liquid and ash all at once. Xe can feel xer lungs dissolving in xer throat.

_ My child, my child, remember- your bones belong to me now. You have sold them to me, each and every one. While I slice open the layers of your flesh and pin back your muscles to retrieve those glistening white tumors, remember to thank me for every chance I have given you. I will not be cruel with your bones. I will even give you new ones. Like a child pulling teeth and putting them under their pillow, I will pay you back. I will let you watch- watch as I unfold you, as I peel back the layers of that gossamer skin of yours. I will even let you hold your own rancid bones when it is done, so you understand the miracle of your own gift. And, because I am extra caring, I will give you new eyes, eyes that will remember it forever. _

“Stop,” Xe reaches for xer face. It feels like yesterday that xer eyes were suspended from two corners of the room, turned with a perfect view of xer unfolding skull. The image lives forever in those eyes. They won’t let xer scratch them out. They keep putting them back. How many bones are in the human body? How many times will they have to do this?

_ My child, my child, these new bones may have saved you, but they are still not yours. I can always take them from you, if you’d like. It would be easy. I would like to watch you hop around on one leg, as you drag the other behind you like a sack of meat. After all, I know you hate stability so. With a wave of my hand, they will crawl out from your throat, scuttling up and down your insides like ossien spiders as they puncture and rearrange every organ inside you. Remember that you can always ask for freedom. Remember what it costs. _

“P-Please  _ stop, _ ” Xe clutches xer skin like it's loose and will split open if xe doesn't. Xe hasn’t stopped spitting blood in weeks. One day xe gives up and just lets it fall out of xer mouth, oozing and staining everything below in red. 

_ My child, my child. Now that I own your body, do I own your mind as well? Why do you guard that thing so fiercely? I only wish to treasure it as I do the rest of you. Do these memories not pain you so? I am sorry for making you look, I only wanted to share it with you. Sleep is too close to death, I cared about you too much to allow it. The treatment will continue for as long as you are suffering. It hurts me to watch you be in pain. I could take that too, if you’d like. I could take that horrible, painful mind and unspool it, and let my hands weave it back into something that might make you happy, make you dance with joy! Would you do me the honor of trading me your pain once more? _

“ _ No, _ ” The fury is soft. Xer hands gather around xer skull as if it’s about to explode into broken pieces, and this is the only way to keep the fragments together. Xer mismatched teeth rattle in xer mouth. “No, no, no, I  _ never- _ you  _ didn’t- _ ”

_ My child, why do you speak of me in the past tense?  _

_ I am still here.  _

_ I am still alive. _

_ There is time to fix things, my sweet little cadaver. Open the door- you’re so smart, Xeno, I’m sure you know how. Let the Hospital accept you back into it’s loving embrace. I won’t even be mad. I will be right here, with a smile forever on my face, and I can make it so that your sister cries no more. I can make it so that you will never think, never scream, never cry a day in the rest of your life. It is better than accidentally shooting her over a joke. It is better than locking behind doors so no one struggles over your tears. Can’t you admit it is better than this? Better than this horror you do to yourself? I love you, my child. Always remember that I love you, and I will love you more when you return to me. _

“Get  _ out _ ,” It’s the first thing xe’s said that’s come out in a scream. ”Get out  _ get out, _ my mind is  _ mine!  _ You can't ruin my life anymore! Stop  _ doing this to me! _ ”

_ Oh, but my child, that is the worst part of all.  _

_ I am not even here. _

_ You are doing this to yourself. _

_ I never even had to poke a delicate finger into that rancid brain of yours for you to know that I am your best shot at having a savior. _

_ Won’t you let me help you? Won’t you let me love you? Don’t you want to be able to think again? _

_ Just open the door. _

_ Just open the- _

* * *

-Door to Xeno’s room swung open. In Xeno’s sleep-addled state, all xe could think about was the horror of having left it unlocked.

“Get  _ out-” _

Laura stood in the doorway, staring down at xer with alarm. Xeno regretted it immediately- xe hated how damn  _ wounded _ she looked at xer shout. As xe gathered xerself, as wakefulness slowly seeped into xer mind- xe loosely realized just how  _ much  _ xer side hurt. The hole that had been blasted in xer shoulder complained loudly, with newfound anger. Further orientation provided another key piece of evidence- Xe had woken up on the floor, with the blanket still gathered around xer and thrown about in disarray.

She had- she had come because she heard xer fall. She heard xer struggling in xer sleep. She came to help and xe just yelled at her.

Laura steeled herself in the doorway, although she couldn’t hide her wide, concerned eyes. 

“N-”

Xeno opened xer mouth to form an apology. 

“No, no,  _ wait _ -!”

Laura snapped the door closed.

* * *

Laura admired Alex’s version of recovery.

She admired how simple it was. She admired that it asked nothing of her. She admired it so much that she inherited it, in a sense.

Through a lifetime of watching the mental health rollercoaster distort and ruin family dinners, watching it make a mess out of a mother, a jungle out of a home, Laura thought she understood what trauma meant- it was something that happened to other, less strong people, something that made them hard to understand, and hard to live with. She also understood what her role was to be in such a hectic, chaotic world- that, in order not to add onto the pile, she had to be as normal and practical as she possibly could.

After Alex got sick, it felt as if nothing would be safe again. It felt as if the sky should be a different color. It felt like a cruel stranger had knocked on their door and come to live in the Kreuger house, and no one could shove them out. It’s true what they say, that you don’t think about something until it affects someone you love- and even then, the surreality of Alex’s own impending sickness didn’t feel real. Laura remembered standing outside his door, asking herself,  _ begging _ herself to talk to him about it, about something that wasn’t a distraction, about something that might’ve been  _ real-  _

How do you talk to someone about their own impending death?

It was too big, too scary- and Laura knew that trauma was for other people, people who were not her, people who weren’t brave enough to put on a face and refuse to break apart. So she did what she always did- she walked away. She stepped away from the door he was dying behind, and politely ignored the wires and medical papers around her, and laughed her way through conversations that were blurry and insignificant and never  _ really  _ mattered as she waited for it all to get better. The doctors and nurses could always do more about the actual problem than she could, anyway. There was a Kreuger family tradition of learned helplessness when it came to emotional needs that Laura wore as a badge of honor. Yes, it was time to proceed business as usual. It was time to act as if it were all normal. That’s what you do in the face of trauma- that’s how you make it all better, when you’re at a loss for anything else.

And then, it worked.

After a lifetime of watching trauma turn other people into messes, into disasters, it felt like a miracle to see her brother sit up and smile when it was all over. Laura helped him up out of bed, and looked him in the eye and watched him joke about what came next and she nearly cried, because, for once, everything was  _ okay _ . The people in her life were facing the worst pain they’d felt- and it was somehow  _ okay _ .

Alex was the first example of someone being hurt, and then- not. It opened up a whole world of possibility to Laura. It made her realize that the life she wanted was not only possible, but in reach. 

Laura admired Alex’s version of recovery- which is to say, the version where recovery was quick, and easy, and painless. She fell in love with how uncomplicated it was, how life could prove itself to be simple, in all it’s horror and unpredictability. Alex Kreuger got better, and she realized she was right to walk away from that door. It would have been pointless to burden herself with his problems, when they went and fixed themselves without her. They never had to talk about the horror their family went through ever again. They never had to talk about the things that were over and done with, out in the past where they couldn’t hurt them anymore. There was only moving towards the future.

Laura admired Alex’s version of trauma- which, is to say, the version where there wasn’t any. 

The version where the transition was clean, where it didn’t hurt anybody, where it didn’t fill the room with it’s noise. Alex was made a new person. He didn’t fret over his near death experience- and so she didn’t, either. Alex went back to school, and Laura took that as permission to move on to create a more stable family. They were the gold standard of recovery, the two siblings- you could hardly even tell that anything ‘abnormal’ had ever occurred to them.

Laura, above all, admired the notion of choosing to live in a world where she wasn’t traumatized- and so, she chose it every day, until it became everything.

Alex Kreuger was her hero.

* * *

Xeno remembered xer first shower after the hedge with crystal clarity. Xe had spent about a week recklessly scurrying through the world in fuzzy sort of shock- climbing through piles of car parts without shoes, not caring about every scrape and every scratch. What were those, to the wounds xe took as xe shoved xerself through the needles of the hedge? What was a small draw of blood to the surgeries xe endured under xer keeper? Nothing seemed to matter except what xer hands could do. Xe had forgone the thought of having a body entirely. 

Xe remembered staring at the way streaks of red and brown came off xer feet, and circled the drain. Xe remembered the way the water came off xer skin, revealing with clarity the sharp colors xe actually was underneath the soot and grime. Xe remembered thinking xe never wanted to be cut open again. Xe remembered thinking xe wanting never to be filthy again. Was it too much to ask for, to live the rest of xer life in one piece? Was that too much to hope for?

Every shower Xeno had taken since then had felt somehow like xe was having the same one. They blurred together, whirling around xer brain in their own surreal timezone. They’d become so notable that xe could count the number of them xe had taken since xer returned. This one was xer 9th. Isn’t that strange? Isn’t that funny?

Cleaning xer own wounds was something xe had become relatively good at. It felt odd to do it in Laura’s bathroom this time, though- with the eyes of smiling, cartoon fish surrounding xer. It felt odd to still be doing this, back in the mortal world. Xe thought xer life would have changed, that it would have gotten better. Xe had hidden the photo with Alex in it. Xe didn’t want him watching. 

Xe got halfway into formulating a plan to discreetly get rid of the bleeding rags, before questioning why xe was doing that. I mean,  _ obviously,  _ xe didn’t want to worry Laura or her family- but why? Why was it better for them not to know xe was bleeding?

_ Because it would say too much,  _ xe told xerself.

_ Because you might have to say  _ why _ you’re bleeding. _

Xe swallowed. Xe had wanted to say,  _ “I’ll tell you in the morning,”,  _ last night when xe was first climbing up the steps back to the house. Xe wanted to say that- but xe didn’t. Why didn’t xe say that?

Xe wrapped the bloodied mound that was xer shoulder in bandages- tightly, and with enough layers that the only hint it was there was a dot of red at it’s most egregious point. Xe threw the turtleneck over it, pulling the sleeve to help the injured side along. The changeling stared at xer reflection- you couldn’t see a thing.

This house had started to feel like an ill fitting sweater. Better than being cold, covering up what it should- but itchy, and uncomfortable, biting at xer sides and providing little relief. It was only for the comfort of everyone else xe continued on like this. 

Xe didn’t take xer eyes off of that reflection, even as xe reached towards the door. 


	7. Chapter 7

_ Things to do today: _

_ - _

_ - _

_ - _

Xeno’s pen hovered over it’s place on the page, pooling into splotches of blue ink. Just yesterday, these ideas were rushing in and out of xer head like a storm. Xe  _ wanted  _ to have something to do today, to have  _ something _ to create. It crawled through xer with a running desperation. Sometimes, xe felt like xe was being chased- and the more things xe could find to laugh about, the more wacky the hijink, the more reckless or ridiculous or absurd the stunt- the more it would propel xer forward, and away from that certain doom.

Xe never knew what to do when it stopped. When the credits rolled, and the music ran out, and all xe was left with was xerself. The world catches up to xer and every mistake xe had made trying to get away rears its ugly head and xe is just left standing there, staring at it all.

“It’s ‘cause you’re coming down, Lex.” Laura said,

“Can you--” Xe put xer head down on the table. “Can you _please_ not be right about this bipolar thing? Or at least not as _smug_ about it?”

“I’m just saying, you’re at the age of onset. Also, this whole ‘afraid of therapy’ thing is  _ really  _ not a good look on you,”

“I’m not-” Xe sat up, not quite hiding xer glare. “I’m  _ not  _ afraid of therapy. I’m afraid of- the- the wards, and the medication and the- the- the- surrounded by doctors who know every intimate detail of my  _ whole life story _ thing,”

Laura opened her mouth, then- stared out the window, feeling a bitter sort of calm. Xeno got the impression she wasn’t completely talking to xer when she muttered, “Well- I mean, if that’s what you need...”

Silence drifted uneasily between them.

Xeno lifted xer head. “Have you gone?”

“-What?”

“To therapy?”

“-No.” She replied, a little too quickly. Something sour and uncomfortable slipped into Laura’s expression. “I don’t need it.”

“...Right.” Xeno nodded, and another self conscious bit of hay layered itself on top of the camel’s back. Xe swallowed, and suddenly felt like xe was sitting by the sink washing dishes again- Laura’s tone of voice wanted reassurance, and xe was left with either sitting in silence, or-

Or-

“ _ -Except _ maybe you do?” Now, xe was speaking a little quickly. Xer nerves were firing- xe wasn’t sure what introducing a whole entire disagreement would do. Laura raised an eyebrow- first, a little too stunned to reply- then, laughed.

“...Um, no offense, Lex, but I’m not taking mental health advice from someone who just dropped out of college.”

Offense  _ definitely  _ taken. For a second, xe even completely forgot it wasn’t xer choice to go in the first place. Xe narrowed xer eyes. “-Okay, but why not?”

“Because-” She grimaced, realizing she’d been backed into some kind of corner. Instead of further criticising her younger sibling, she just gestured to the house. “Look,  _ I’m  _ the one who’s got my life together here. I don’t need it. I’m happy.”

“I don’t think that-” Xe ran a hand through staticy, white hair. “Laura, I think you’re missing the point? I just- I think- given that we  _ both  _ grew up  _ sorta  _ weirdly, it’s- not out of the question that if  _ I  _ need therapy, maybe  _ you  _ do too-”

“That is  _ absolutely not-” _ She crossed her arms, and looked away. “-Look.  _ Look.  _ I pulled myself up out of that pit. At the end of the day,  _ I’m  _ not the one who needs it! Okay? Now stop projecting your problems on me and-”

_ “I’m _ projecting?” Xe stood up out of xer chair. “You’re the one who keeps talking to me like I’m as fragile as  _ mom. _ ”

Glass didn’t shatter, but it might as well have. You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed. Laura stared into her sibling with alarm, like she were caught with her pants down and suddenly vulnerable. Neither of them said anything. 

Finally, Xeno swallowed. Xer eyes drifted to the floor.

“I just… thought it’d be nice.” Xe said, quietly. “Having someone to go with. That’s all.”

The conversation felt somehow both finished and unfinished at the same time. Like they both had more to say, but- already felt quietly defeated on both ends. They both stood there- neither quite willing to walk away. Laura lifted a hand, rubbing her temples. 

“Look, I’m sorry, I just…” She sighed. 

“That’s only because you haven’t been telling me what’s going  _ on, _ okay? And don’t act like nothing is going on! Who- Who am I  _ supposed _ to be talking to?”

“-Me!” Xe said, pointing to xer chest. “Talk to  _ me!” _

“Okay, then will you at  _ least  _ tell me what’s up with the  _ scars? _ ” 

Laura said, finally, sounding exasperated. Xeno winced- and was left only blinking after her, lost in a fog of confusion. 

“...What?” 

A wounded panic rose up in xer voice as xe lifted a hand to xer face. Laura just sighed, and gestured, annoyed, over to xer.

“See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about- That’s  _ exactly  _ what I’m fucking talking about-” She was closing her hands around her face. 

“You’re not telling me  _ shit,  _ so what the  _ fuck  _ am I supposed to think-”

Xeno’s hands crawled over xer face. The tips of xer fingers traveled over lines and bumps that left no visual trace. Every reflection around xer glowed back blue, with transparent skin- xe already knew that they didn’t see what xe did. Could it really be all that different from how xe had been before? How had that not occurred to xer? How long had everyone been seeing xer as-

“Laura, Laura, I’m not- Hiding from you, okay?” Xe said, speaking in a hurry so as not to drop the thread of conversation. That was all a panic attack for another day. Xer hand fell shakily to xer side, trying to forget what they felt. “I’m- just- still figuring out how to  _ tell  _ you everything, because there’s a  _ lot,  _ and I’m still figuring some of it out, and I have to be honest when I say that there is  _ no good way to tell you?  _ No matter what it’s just- it’s just- I don’t know if there’s a way to be  _ ready  _ for it and-”

“-Well, start now. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you, so  _ start _ .” Laura grabbed a seat, and sat down. She stared up at xer and gestured to the empty one expectantly. Xeno froze.

“...Laura, I want to tell you, but I really don’t know if-”

“Now.”

Xeno stared at her, heart thumping in xer chest as xe feels the claustrophobia of the corner xe is being backed into.  _ Breathe,  _ xe reminded xerself. Xe grabbed the back of the chair. Xe sat down. Every movement felt like xe was stalling, like xe was trying to find room in the silence to put it all together. Finally, xe opened xer mouth, and-

* * *

The bathroom door slammed shut behind her. Laura pressed her back into it, hand slapping below the metal handle until she found the little knob she could turn to lock the door.

“Laura?” Xeno knocked. The handle jangled under xer fingers, but wouldn’t budge. The changeling bit xer lip, feeling a little bit like a frayed wire. Xe swallowed-  _ was she hiding from xer? Was she running from xer? _

“Laura, I- uh- gotta admit, this isn’t- exactly how I hoped this conversation would go-”

“Just a minute!” 

Laura replied, and Xeno could practically see the forced smile on her face through the door as she frantically pretended everything was normal. How she could go from the tone of their previous conversation, to  _ that,  _ and somehow think it was convincing, xe wasn’t sure at all.

“Um- S- Sure.” 

Xe could hear the water running. Xe wasn’t sure what she was doing. Trying to make it sound like she was busy in there? Splashing water on her face? Xe swallowed, nervous. Xe- hadn’t even  _ scratched  _ the surface, really. Xe hadn’t gotten to anything about the inner workings of  _ the Hospital _ , or the depths of xer Keeper’s manipulation, or any of the horror xe had to endure. Xe barely even got to  _ fetches,  _ really, or that the Alex she had become familiar with was a construct put in place by otherworldly powers. All xe had managed to say was that there  _ were  _ other worlds, and that one picked xer before-

“Was it-- too much?”

“Whaa-aaa-aat!?  _ Nah! _ ” She said, overly casual. “What are you talking about!? I just needed to go to the bathroom! It’s completely unrelated!”

Xeno frowned. Xe was- going to ignore that. “Do you- need a moment? Because- I can give you a moment-”

“I mean, psh,  _ duh _ , so I can use the  _ bathroom _ , you silly-”

Man of inconvenient timing, Laura’s husband found his way to the other end of the hallway, observing the scene incredulously. This was the second time in any amount of weeks he had walked in on a scenario like this- only this time, the roles were switched. His hands drifted up, as if to say, with clear exasperation, " _ What the hell?"  _

Xeno and him made eye contact, and- not knowing what else to do- xe gave him a wave.

“Hey there, Lllll….  _ Kevin _ ,” Xeno ended the sentence confidently. Xe leaned against the bathroom door, the absolute image of casual- if casual could be described as sitting on a live bomb and trying not to move so as not to disturb it. Xe gave the man a finger gun.

“Are you impressed that I know your name?”

“Stop being weird at my husband!” Anger cracked through whatever show Laura was putting on as her muffled voice rose from the other side of the door. Xeno flinched, as she pounded on the door- but, gave Kevin an uneasy smile and a shrug. Kevin just watched, looking like he was calculating between two separate levels of panic.

“What’s- going- on-”

“-Uh, y’know, siblings, right?” Xeno readjusted xerself against the door frame. Nervous laughter seemed to be all xe was capable of right now. Kevin continued to stare, wide eyed, and confused, until Laura’s voice came out on the other side. 

“Honey,  _ everything’s _ fine!” Laura’s voice managed to be a new kind of shrill from beyond the door. 

“Just- just leave us alone for a minute, okay? Grab the kids and go play outside? Would you do that, please?”

The man- stopped. Then- nodded, then- decided he was better off not touching the situation with a ten foot pole. He put his hands up and slowly backed away, looking exasperated. 

“He’s, um- he’s gone?”

Xeno offered. Xe got nothing in response. The only sign of Laura’s existence was the squeak of the sink as it turned off, and then nothing. Xer fingers laced in and out of xer hands, nervous and uncertain. Standing up was becoming hard. Should xe knock again? Should xe try and say something? Or would knocking on the door snap whatever thin layer of sympathy she still might’ve had in xer? Xe needed to be-  _ smaller _ . Have xer needs be  _ smaller _ . Quieter. Less likely to break someone’s back.

A minute passed, and Xeno began to understand that she wasn’t coming out. Not immediately, at least. Xe put xer back to the wall, and sat down just enough away from the door that she could open it if she wanted to. Xe waited, feeling smaller and smaller with each passing minute of silence. Xe might have taken a nap there, if xe could stand to relax.

Finally, the door creaked open, and relief swam over the changeling. Xe stood, eager and bright-eyed.

“-Laura! I-”

The door swung out in front of xer face. By the time that it had swung back, Laura had passed xer in the hallway and made a beeline towards the kitchen sink. Xeno craned xer neck, watching her go.

“-Laura?”

The sound of the kitchen faucet started as Laura rolled up her sleeves, and let the hot water run over the dirty dishes. She picked one up and began scrubbing it with a newfound vigor. Xeno approached her cautiously, stepping forward on gentle feet as if xer presence might break her.

“...Um, Laura, you’re not-”

“-Yes, Alex?” She turned her head, smiling harshly at Xeno. Xeno felt xerself flinch.

“...I was- going to say, you’re not- I mean, you’re not  _ ignoring _ me right now, are you?”

Laura shook her head. “Oh, no, I just figured we could have our conversation in here! While I did the dishes! Get ‘em-  _ both _ out of the way!”

“Oh- O- Okay-”

The sound of the dishwasher played like a radio station over the changeling’s rapidly whirling anxieties. Everything felt wrong about the moment, like xe had walked out from a horror movie and onto the set of a hallmark commercial. Xeno was feeling increasingly alien, standing there in the kitchen, waiting at Laura’s back for her to say something more, to acknowledge the rabid, eldritch elephant in the room. When it became clear she wasn’t going to be the one to start, xe opened xer mouth.

“So-” 

Xer voice felt dry. Think, think of something to say,  _ genius _ . It’s on you to continue the conversation at this point, apparently.

“So- What- do you think?”

_ Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid- _

“What do I think?” Laura scrubbed a plate in a circular motion, thoughtful behind her glasses. The silence that followed was maybe a second longer than it needed to be. “I think- I’m- here to be your friend, Lex! I’m your sister! And- you can tell me about  _ anything _ you need, if you need to get it off your chest! Because I’m going to support you, no matter what.”

“...Right.” Xe rubbed xer arm. “So, um, then- why do I not. Feel like that’s true, right now?”

“Well, I don’t know!” She put the plate to dry on the rack. It clattered loudly. “I think that’s a you thing, not a me thing! And- that’s okay! I want you to know I’m  _ okay _ with you!”

“...Okay.”

“Okay!”

The dishes clattered and rearranged themselves, as she withdrew a big plate from the soapy bottom that was clogging the drain. Xeno kept waiting for conversation to pick up, but it never did. The kitchen floor was starting to feel dizzy under xer feet.

“Should- I keep going?”

“Only if you want to!”

She smiled. Somehow, that was not helpful.

“I just- I’m- getting the sense that I freaked you out?” Xe said, uneasily. Xe quickly put a hand up, as if to stop her from speaking. 

“And I- I know you’re about to say that you’re not freaked out, but- I kinda think- maybe- possibly that you are? Which is- is fine I guess, it’s- pretty freaky stuff-”

It was the understatement of the century, but xe couldn’t think of another way to put it. The only possible way to convey xer experience was through understatements. It was taking extra effort to spin all xer overwhelming thoughts into english right now. Laura kept herself in a moment of quiet- then, put down the dish she was previously cleaning.

“Ah- huh-” She nodded. “Right-- so-- is this… an alien  _ abduction  _ thing, or?”

“-I mean, it could be? That’s one of the prevailing theories, anyway-” Xeno said, with a laugh- before realizing she had offered it as a joke, and by replying with just a modicum of seriousness, xe might’ve just shattered any semblance of normalcy that was left in the conversation. Xe trailed off.

“...Of course.” She added, clearing her throat. “-And the other theories are?”

“Oh, you know, there’s… I think...” Xe thought the time when xe finally got to unleash all xer thoughts on how this whole thing worked, it would be a lot more fun than this. Xe opened xer mouth, trying to summon them up- but found that all their logic and all their reason became too fragile to speak aloud.

“I think…”

The difficult thing about Laura is that she was, in some ways, xer equal- and in other ways, xer guardian. She was xer hero for having been able to take care of xer for most xer life, and she had done that while being the only one around on xer level. Xe could feel simultaneously judged by her for not going at the same pace, and look up to her at the same time. It also meant that she thought she knew better than xer. It also meant that xe might be inclined to believe it.

_ “I think…” _

The floor blurred in and out in front of xer.

“I think… You… Don’t believe me.”

Xe said, sounding defeated. Laura kept her back turned. Xe couldn’t see her expression. She reached forward, and turned off the sink.

“I… Believe it,” She said, although- a little hesitantly. “I.. Believe… It’s something  _ you’re _ dealing with.”

Xe shifted, uncomfortably. Why didn’t xe like the sound of that? Xe  _ definitely  _ didn’t like the sound of that. Nothing sounded okay. Maybe nothing was okay? Xe was about to open xer mouth to speak, but Laura turned around, speaking for xer. She spoke delicately, and with great intent.

“I think... We should call Dr. Caramine, and- go ahead and- tell her  _ everything _ you’ve told me tonight.”

Xeno stiffened. If xe wasn’t feeling dizzy before, xe certainly was now. Xe spoke with a trembling dread in xer voice as xe landed on a conclusion.

“-You’re trying to have me involuntarily committed.” 

_ “What? _ No-!” She said, laughing guiltily. Was that guilty? Xe was pretty sure that sounded guilty.

"You need a second person to say that I'm delusional so that you can stick me  _ in a hospital and forget about me and-"  _

“Lex, Lex! Calm down!” She was smiling. She was panicking. 

“I’m just- trying to get you the help you need, okay?”

Xe had heard less reassuring words, but somehow all of them seemed to match that tone of voice. Xer keeper was full of similar promises- but every time there was a sense of distance, a sense of being looked down upon, a sense that xe could not be trusted with xer own health. The walls felt like they were coming in closer. Laura reached out to grab xer shoulders, trying to be delicate, trying breathe relaxation into them- but she squeezed one hand over xer injured shoulder, the shoulder that had met a blast from a weapon of xer own making. Xeno’s skin cried out in pain and- something xe didn’t know was there, something that scared and small and born under the knife of a thousand motionless surgeries, a thousand hands in xer wounds in xer skin in xer bones suddenly snapped _ awake  _ in xer and- xe didn’t  _ mean  _ to be that violent when xe pushed her back.

Laura skidded into the table, eyes wide and terrified. She had tried not to scream. Sharp, ragged breaths still left her mouth. Every dish on top of it clattered when she crashed into it. It lay crooked now.

“What-” Laura lifted her head, locking eyes with Xeno’s. Xe could feel the force of that glare for lifetimes. “-The  _ fuck  _ is wrong with you!?”

She had dropped the niceties. Was that better, or worse? Xeno kept backing away. Two hands as thick as shadow closed around xer throat. Xe couldn’t speak. Xe could barely breathe, frankly. For some reason, Laura felt-  _ dangerous _ , right now? That couldn’t be right. How could that be right? She was family. Xer eyes kept flickering to the dishes on the table behind her. Xe kept staring at the ones that were sharp. Her hand was so close. Her hand was inching closer.

“Please don’t-”  _ come any closer,  _ was the end of that sentence. It felt like sacrilege to say, felt like too powerful an acid to drop on what was supposed to be home. Xe was crowding xerself into the wall. Xe was getting ready to run.

“You’re-” She was breathing heavy, trying to turn her sharp, startled voice into something she could control. Anger was more controllable than fear, anger felt better. 

“-You’re going to fucking attack me in my own home!? What the hell, Lex!? What the  _ hell!? _ ”

“Stop- I’m sorry- Stop shouting-  _ Please _ stop shouting at me-”

Xer voice was getting quieter in xer throat, more like a whimper.  _ Smaller. Be smaller. _

“That’s it, I’m getting the phone-” Laura, with a newfound focus, stood up and stomped down the hallway.

Xeno felt the grating, loud fear return. 

“Laura-” Xe spoke through the terror clogging xer throat and followed her quickly. She had walked away from the knives- that didn’t mean xe was safe. “Laura, who are you calling?!  _ Laura-!?  _ Laura, do  _ not call the police on me I swear to- _ ”

“Then  _ stop _ behaving erratically!” She whirled around, to face xer. Xe felt xer insides sink. It was the worst kind of confirmation. 

”I mean- It’s like I don’t even know who you  _ are  _ right now!”

“Who I-” Xeno was continuously surprised to find that xe hadn’t hit the breaking point during this conversation. It felt like there were too many breaking points, actually. 

“I’m sorry I’m not- I- I’m trying to calm down, it’s just- A  _ lot  _ has  _ happened  _ to me _ ,  _ okay, Laura!?”

“I know it has!”

“ _ No _ , you  _ don’t,  _ actually! Because I explained it to you and you  _ didn’t listen- _ ”

“Christ! I can’t believe I thought you were finally growing up!?” She says, throwing her hands in the air. Xeno’s head whirled, unable to comprehend where those two things might intersect. “I mean,  _ shit,  _ I don’t like what it cost, but- After the treatment, after everything, you finally put the comics and the cartoons away and you went into something  _ real,  _ Lex _.  _ I was really proud of you! _ ” _

“Something r-” Xeno pursed xer lips, suddenly feeling furious. “So. So my interests are only  _ real  _ when they’re  _ practical?  _ Isn’t it more  _ worrisome _ if I stopped liking everything I used to enjoy? I mean- you didn’t take that as some kind of  _ warning _ sign?”

”Why should I? You were building a future for yourself! Which, I mean, after we all thought you wouldn’t  _ get  _ one-”

“Stop--” Xeno swallowed. Xe was running a hand through xer hair, pressing them into xer skull as xe forced xerself to breathe evenly. Now was not the time for those thoughts. Now was not the time for this stress.

“ _ Stop _ talking about the hospital stuff.”

“But you got  _ better. _ You were my fucking  _ hero _ , Lex. You got better, you pulled through like a fucking  _ miracle _ , and you stood up, and you went to back school like it was  _ nothing,  _ because, you said, you wanted to make a  _ difference-” _

“Can we stop talking about the school thing!?” Xeno threw xer hands up in the air. ”I  _ can not _ stress enough, just, how much I do  _ not know why _ I went into Business School-”

“Mom and Dad went  _ bankrupt _ .” Laura spat, glaring down into her younger sibling. “You said. You said that it was because Mom and Dad went  _ bankrupt  _ after the chemo, and  _ you _ didn’t want that to happen to  _ anyone  _ ever again.  _ That’s  _ what you told me.”

Xeno quietly felt the world shake for a moment there. 

_ “What-”  _

Xe hadn't even thought to catch up with xer parents, to check and see what they were doing. Guilt gnawed at xer insides and wanted to drag xer under. Xe could feel the radiation crawling on xer skin with an infectious horror.  _ How could xe have missed that? _

“-The  _ fuck _ !? Since  _ when _ did- You’re telling me _ that’s _ why-!?”

“I don’t know why you did it!” Laura said, reaching some sort of internal boiling point. “Why are you waiting for me to tell you these things? What, is it drugs? Are you on  _ drugs _ right now?"

Xeno winced, then shook xer head. "Jesus  _ christ _ , Laura-!" 

"Well, what am I supposed to think!?" She throws her hands in the air. "You’re acting  _ fucking crazy!  _ You’re  _ fucking nuts! _ You bleach your hair and you drop out of school, you show up looking like you- you- took a belt to fucking the face, you disappear with  _ no warning  _ and show up looking like you got the  _ shit  _ kicked out of you, and you've got lapses in memory, you don't even recognize my  _ kids- _ " Her eyes are watering. 

"My fucking  _ kids _ , Lex! I’m letting you live in my house with my  _ fucking kids! _ What the  _ fuck  _ is wrong with you!?" 

Xeno's mouth went dry. Laura waited, then just sighed, and rubbed her forehead. 

"I just - I feel like I don’t know anything about you at this point. I mean,  _ fuck,  _ Lex, I’m starting to believe you just  _ told  _ me that to make me trust you, or - get me to shut up that because you  _ clearly  _ don’t care all that much! And that  _ sucks _ , because I- I  _ really _ believed in you!"

Past tense. Why'd it have to be past tense? Xe was feeling sick. This was all going too fast and xe already couldn’t breathe.

“That…. That wasn’t  _ me _ , okay? I wasn’t--” Xeno sputtered, frustrated, disjointed. Every explanation felt like too much and too little all at once. Now wasn't time to lay it all out - or, was it? Xe couldn't tell. Xe wasn't having trouble thinking straight. Xe had tried explaining earlier, and look where it had got xer. 

“I don’t- I don't know how much more I can explain that I wasn’t  _ myself,  _ alright?”

“Well, you know what?” Her voice turned bitter, biting. “Honestly? I  _ prefer _ that Alex.”

Silence. 

Somehow, out of all the things Laura had said, that was the worst one.

“...You don’t mean that.” Xeno scans her expression helplessly as the silence gets thicker, gets heavier on xer shoulders. Laura looks away. She tries to appear strong, but even she can’t help but hesitate when she speaks again.

“-I don’t want you around my kids,” 

She speaks with finality, but she can’t meet xer eyes. 

“I don’t want you around my house. The way you’re acting now, you’re- You’re a danger to them. If you wont let me fucking-  _ call  _ someone, then- that’s it. I’m putting my foot down.”

“... _ What _ ?” It felt like too small a word. Xeno felt the bottom drop out of xer stomach. Xer ears were ringing. “You’re- You’re kicking me  _ out?”  _

Xe was only answered with silence from xer sibling. Xer hands shook. 

“...So- So you’re not going to be like Mom and Dad. Except the parts where you  _ are.” _

“Oh, shut _ up _ , Lex. That’s not fair.” She snapped back. 

”You’re not some kid with nowhere to go this time. You’re an adult now, or- at least I  _ thought _ you were _. _ ” __

“Laura, I-” Xeno swallowed. Everything was spinning out of control so fast, xe was getting vertigo. 

“Laura, Laura  _ no _ , you don’t understand, I don’t know where else to go, I- there is  _ so much  _ right now I-I really need you to be there for me, I worked  _ so hard _ to come back here you don't know what I had to  _ do to get back here _ \--”

“-I don’t want to hear it.” She shook her head, putting her foot down. “I don't know. I don't care anymore. You want me to stop talking to you all delicately? Then  _ fine. _ Either you get help,  _ actual, serious help,  _ or- you  _ go _ . I can’t- I can’t have something like you infecting my family  _ again. _ ”

Xeno stared. 

All sense of fight xe had within xem was suddenly gone, drained out of xer arms and bones like the blood from xer face. 

Xeno remembered being pulled from middle school, to sit in the psych ward’s waiting room. Xe remembered xer hand being too small, the way it looped inside and gripped Laura’s. Xe remembered that she had made a game out of looking for pictures in the wallpaper, that she had come up with distractions out of the boring magazines and hard plastic chairs so xe wouldn’t worry. Xe remembered feeling excited as night reared it’s head, and no one said it was time to go home- because none of the adults were  _ really _ watching them, and this was all so  _ strange  _ and  _ new _ , it was like a  _ sleepover _ , if you thought about it.  _ We can have a sleepover here, Laura? _

They had both become so, so good at distraction.

Xe swallowed, back in the moment. Just because she was what xe needed then, doesn’t mean she’s what xe needed now. There would be time to break down in the car.

"-Hey."

Xeno spoke, keeping xer voice still. Laura looked up. 

“You should let Charlie pursue dance. It’s- It’s pretty shitty of you not to, actually. It makes him happy, and he’ll hate you later if you don’t.”

Xeno walked off, not waiting for Laura as xe turned xer heels on this house with it’s white picket fence and it’s hand painted mailbox and it's 2.5 kids. It was never for xer, anyway. Xeno was never going to make it here. Xe had already accepted weeks ago that xer place here was conditional. 


	8. Chapter 8

As Xeno loaded the last of the garage debris in and slammed the car door shut, all xer frustrations spilled out in a noise that was just as much a sigh as it was a shout. Xe rested xer head against the steering wheel like it was a pillow, breathing in, breathing out. As xer fingers gripped the wheel, they shook. Between this, and the chase xe had endured earlier- xe was surprised at which one xe was finding more stressful. Closing xer eyes and listening to xer heartbeat, Xeno felt xerself transported to a moment beneath hospital lights. Run. Run away from home. Destroy what you need to to get out. Burn the bridges you need to get by.  _ Don’t think about what people will think. Don’t think about the ways you have to hurt them. _

The anxiety that ran through xer veins tonight was of a similar tune- but there was no Arcadia. Just family.

Xe adjusted the dash mirror, so xe could see xerself in it.

_ Hypothesis: Everything is going to turn out okay! _

_ Evidence: _

.

.

Xeno hated it when xe couldn’t make xer narrative something fun.

When xe started the task of turning the keys into the ignition, xe loosely realized xe had no clue where xe was going. Xe stared out into the empty streets. Nothing came to mind. There was no home anymore. Xe could call xer  _ parents,  _ ask how they were doing- but xe feared that rabbit hole more than xe feared this one, and frankly, xe had had enough drama for tonight. Xe could- find a gas station or an oasis to call home, for old times sake. Maybe it was a night for 99 cent cinnabons. Maybe it was a night for the smell of cigarettes and gasoline. 

_ -Crack. _

The sudden noise jolted Xeno out of xer mood. Suddenly, the air felt thick and sharp all at once, full of needles that choked against xer throat. Unpredicted noise had a claustrophobic effect on xer now. When xer eyes adjusted back, when xe forced xemself up and to look at the real world- they were greeted with a sizeable set of  _ cracks  _ running across the glass of xer windshield, like someone had thrown a heavy stone right at the space xer head was. Xe sat up and leaned forward, and as xe peered out into the dark night. 

The streetlight in front of xer flickered on and off. As xe squinted, xe made out the approach of a man that stood at about xer height, lumbering forward with one arm missing, and another unspooling into spirals of paper and doughy flesh that dragged behind him. Alex Kreuger rolled his broken neck up, staring through Xeno’s cracked windshield through his own cracked glasses.

Xeno didn’t think, the keys were already in the ignition. Xe pressed the gas and let the car slam forward. Tires screeched against the concrete streets, and Xeno saw as the figure of xer broken, and distorted fetch rapidly snapped closer and closer- illuminated in stark terror by the glare of xer headlights- until xe felt the collision. Time was slowing down, it was all going so fast and so slow all at once. With the _thump_ came the all too familiar sound of snapping and bones. Xeno opened xer eyes long enough to see the fetch’s wide eyed face, only vaguely human, scrape itself up the dashboard and leaving a trail of blood and IV fluid in its wake. Red gathered in the quickly exacerbating cracks of the windshield.

Xeno rolled xer head and looked out the back of the car, spotting the shambling figure just beneath the streetlight. Don’t think, just act.  _ Don’t think, just act. _ Xe backed up the car, sending it screeching against the pavement again as xe aimed it at the fetch’s position. As the vision of xer twin etched closer xe hit and felt the thump again- but xe must have miscalculated, because xe also heard the crunch of xer headlights and the snap of the streetlight behind xem. It was already broken, and flickering- but with that added disrepair, the street went dark.

“Shit, shit-”

Xe couldn’t see it. Xe looked all around, but xe couldn’t see it. They were too close to the house, too close to xer family. Xeno’s hands snapped out to the glove compartment, tapping it hurriedly and letting it’s contents spill out over the car. Was there a freeze ray there? No, _no,_ where had xe put the freeze ray? Any other gun would do at this point. The goal was no longer to subdue it. Alex had already openly threatened them. What was he going to _do_ to _Laura_ or those _kids_ if he went _inside?_

Xe scrambled towards the back, with all it’s cardboard boxes and metal pieces. Xer heart leapt when xe saw the metal handle of the gun poking out of the box labeled  _ “NOT RADIOACTIVE”.  _ Xe grabbed it, and-

The car was obstructing xer view. Xe didn’t see Alex. Xe could barely see anything, actually, except the houses and the inactive night. But he had to be somewhere- Xe couldn’t get a good look at the area while xe was in here.

Xe pointed the gun at the door. Xe made sure to position it so it was the first thing out as xe opened it, moving cautiously but quickly. Xer heart was pounding in xer chest as xe forsook the safety of the car. As xe climbed out, made xerself vulnerable and exposed to this outside world- xer eyes darted frantically around the unlit streets, gun first.

“Above,”

Said a whisper. Xeno’s hairs stood on the back of xer neck as xe whirled around, shooting at the figure that had perched itself on the top of xer car. White, hot fire shot through the construct- blasting a hole through Alex’s face and sending singed papers flying everywhere. By then, Alex had already lunged, though- and Xeno found xerself trapped underneath this creature bigger and better and more perfect than xe ever was. Xe reached out, reached towards the unraveling arm the fetch had left and  _ yanked,  _ watching the creature’s grip unravel like a loose thread. 

It was still not dead- that was plain enough from the  _ thrashing,  _ from the  _ yelling,  _ but xe took advantage of the moment long enough to roll out from under him and  _ fire _ . Xe fired before xe even thought to stand up, sending black scorched marks streaking along the pavement. The creature  _ yowled,  _ and xe stood- xe stood up to feel powerful against it. Xe stood up so that xe could show xe was stronger, that xe had  _ beaten it, god damn it,  _ that xe- the weak, spineless mad doctor's experiment had  _ won.  _ That xe, who sat still while knives made a home of xer flesh, was  _ powerful.  _ Xer finger kept pulling back with a mechanical repetition, as xe shot and shot and  _ shot  _ and kept shooting until xer trigger hand felt like it might fall off. 

_ “-Alex!?” _

Xeno’s breath stopped in xer throat. Alex Kreuger was a twitching pulp of ash and medical robes, barely alive, but with one eye left to understand his own horror.

Xe turned around, and- made eye contact with Laura.

She stared.

Xe stared.

Xe let the gun drop from xer hand. 

“I, I, I heard the crash- W- What--” Laura’s voice trembled in her throat. She couldn’t stop staring at the distorted, smashed in face of her brother. The brother she knew, the brother she understood. Xeno recognized that voice. Xe heard it in every new patient  _ the Hospital _ received, in every broken psyche as one tried to process the phantasmal layers of fractal gore among  _ the Hospital _ ’s solutions. She looked like a child, all of a sudden. Uncertain and horrified and scared and like nothing ever, ever will make sense again.

“What-  _ are  _ you?”

Her voice stammers out a question, and xe could think about the implications of it forever.

Xeno wanted to hug her. Xeno wanted to cry, wanted to scream into her shoulder, wanted to have soothing words and wanted to be comforted and wanted to tell her that it would all make sense one day. But Xeno knew better. Xeno knew that it didn’t make sense. Xe knew that xe was going to spend the rest of xer life furiously studying the senselessness, grabbing at equations that meant nothing and trying to pick it apart to achieve the understandable anyway. But for now, xe had nothing to show for it.

Instead, what Xeno said was,

“...Go home, Laura.”

Laura stood, frozen on the spot, unwilling to move, unwilling to breathe. She watched as Xeno reached down, and picked up the lump of flesh and aftermath that was Alex Kreuger, and dumped it in the trunk of xer car. She watched as the metal trunk clicked close underneath xer hand, watched with eyes that were half glass as the thing that she thought might have been her sibling looked at her one last time, one  _ last _ ,  _ desperate time, _ and then, in the amount of time that someone might say  _ “Goodbye”, _ climbed into the drivers seat, and closed the door shut. 

By the time the car had screeched out of its place halfway into the lamppost, leaving behind cracked pieces of the headlights- she had fallen to her knees. Laura watched as the lights carrying a shard of her family disappeared into the night time.

* * *

Xeno drove.

* * *

Xeno drove more.

  
  


* * *

The lights passed by overhead.

* * *

The longer xe drove away, the longer xe couldn’t believe xe was driving away.

Where was xe going? The car was whirling ahead and xe didn’t know anything about what the road had next. Why was xe going somewhere else?

Did xe leave something behind?

The house behind xer was an itch up xer back, a constant tug at xer side beckoning xer to turn around. Xe felt like xe was standing in the middle of an airport to an unknown world, suddenly convinced xe had forgotten all xer luggage. The back rattled with every box and machine xe could squeeze into it, every cooler and every stack of photos. Xe had everything xe had started with, and more. But that couldn’t be right, could it? Could it?

Xe  _ had _ to be leaving something behind.

The lights pass over xer vehicle, and they remind xer of the storage locker for some reason. Every street looks the same. Every light that passed on by was impersonal and unreal, each vehicle on the road a metal locker to someone else’s life that xe would never have the key to. For some reason, the space xe existed in felt almost as unreal as the Hedge. Xe even had to check xe hadn’t entered it without noticing, that xe hadn’t wandered out the back of reality and stumbled into something entirely different.

No, xe was here. Xe was-

Xe was-

And then, reality caught up to xer. Whatever tension rod had been keeping xer calm finally snapped. Xe was sitting but xe  _ swore  _ xe could feel as xer body flew backwards, as xer breath left xer lungs and xer brain flooded and that cold,  _ terrible _ ,  _ horrible _ nauseating  _ reality  _ barrelled out and hurtled into what was left of xer bones like a trainwreck. Xeno’s foot went tapping for the breaks and the car skidded to a halt, right there in the middle of the road.

A car horn honked behind xer. People moved their vehicles around xer. Xe breathed in and xe breathed out and xe suddenly realized xe couldn’t see clearly enough to drive. Once, at  _ The Hospital, _ xe had gotten tunnel vision. Xe had looked up the causes for tunnel vision when xe got out, and was never clear on which thing had caused it. But xe knew it wasn’t xer glasses and xe knew those eyes were  _ busy  _ right now anyway being wet and annoying and  _ raw _ and-

Xe pulled xerself together enough to pull over the car to the side of the road. Xe flicked off the emergency lights. Xe watched the cars below pass by xer, whirring past and into somewhere unknown. Was everyone out on the road at this time of night going home? In xer sleep deprived state, xe was certain this was the only thing that could be true.

Xe needed- to not be here.

Xe needed to close xer eyes.

* * *

_ My child. _

_ My child. _

_ My sweet, sweet child. _

A door the weight of a neutron star appeared in front of xer. Maybe it’s been there the whole time. 

Bleached white coral surround it, forming organic patterns, like spongy pulled tendons pretending to be reefs from the seafloor. The door has the friendly image of an orange and white clownfish, grinning at xer with a mouth full of teeth. The frame of the door is bones. Maybe it was all bones, when you came down to it. Shadows reach under the door, and Xeno can feel hands pulling at xer. One finds a way under xer chin, and lifts xer head, ever so slightly. There is something-- so  _ soft  _ about it, so familiar.

_ You poor thing. It pains me to see you so alone, so rejected, so sad. Oh- You are wounded. I am sorry, I did not notice it sooner. I can see it’s hurting you. You know you can always feel safe asking me for help, It’s my job to make sure you’re safe. You are not a burden to me. It does not bother me to care for you.  _

The hand travels over to the place where xe has layered on the bandages. It’s touch is delicate. It doesn’t hurt.

_ Come here. I know it’s difficult right now. You will never have to hide anything from me. No blood, no bruises- I am sorry you never trusted me with your mind. I understand now why that is. You left, and I had to think about how I hurt you. I only wish to heal, Xeno. I am a healer, and- so are you, deep down. You have the bones of a hero, even if you don’t know how to properly be one. We can heal each other. I can learn how not to hurt, and you can get to live without this hurt. We  _ both  _ get something, Xeno.  _

_ You are never too broken for The Hospital. I am here to rewrite it all until you are whole again.  _

Xeno’s mind swam to the moment before xe left. The moment xe stared at Laura, and wanted to hug her, to cry into her shoulder until every horror xe had endured had all melted away. The possibility of-  _ anyone  _ filling that role was getting farther and farther away. Alex had made xerself into someone people missed, and then xe had come to spoil it all away. Xeno had gotten farther than most Changelings ever do in dealing with their fetches, and had managed to ruin it all by being xerself. 

Every possibility for home was slipping through xer fingers. A life with  _ people  _ was slipping through xer fingers.

_ I heard you have nowhere to go. Is that true?  _

_ God, I can not imagine how hard it is to be you right now. The truth is, we  _ both  _ know reality is not for you. How harsh, and unforgiving mundanity is. I tried to tell you. I tried to tell you that your sickness would never be cured out here. These people only exacerbate what is so, terribly wrong with you. Come, dear. Come back to me. You have learned your lesson, I can see it now. There is no point in punishing you further. Accept something good into your life. Let the Hospital absorb you back into it’s loving embrace.  _

_ I will never point out when you cry. I know you hate that. I will never hurt you again. There will be no more pain. There will be no more horror. Just love. Just healing. _

Xeno reached for the door handle-

And then xe reached down, and turned the knob just beneath it with a mechanical  _ click _ . This was a world with locks, after all.

_ My child, my child, where are you- _

“-Yeah, no, I think- I think maybe I’m done with ominous door dreams now.” 

Xeno tiredly shoved xer hands into xer pockets, turning xer back on the door. This world of planar dream nonsense didn’t actually manifest anything  _ except  _ the door, but xe went walking into the dark anyway. It might’ve been futile- xe didn’t turn around to check, but xe somehow knew that the door stayed behind xer at a constant speed. Hands as thick as shadow forgot their gentleness as soon as it didn’t serve them anymore- they slipped under and tried to grab at xer, pull xer coat, pull xer hair, pull xer back. 

Xe kept walking.

_ My child, you’re making a mista- _

“ _ Look, _ I don’t know whether you’re a figment of my imagination, a manifestation of whatever lingering attachment I’ve  _ somehow  _ still got for you that I’m in denial about, or a literal hand of the True Fae that tortured me reaching across dimensions in a last ditch attempt to try drag me back so you can harvest my bones or maybe dry clean this coat- but-  _ no thanks. _ No thank you. I’m done relying on other people to fix me, actually.”

_ You’ll be alone, an untreated wound! You’d rather be alone than with someone who can heal you? Love you!? And where will you go?! _

“Don’t know!”

_ You’re breaking my heart! How can you be so cruel!? _

“Don’t care!”

The door roared, with eldritch anger. 

_ You selfish, foolish creature! You would rather stay an infection upon this world? Unraveling everything you touch, poisoning everyone you love!? Are you  _ really _ going to go on like  _ this!?

“You betcha!”

* * *

When xe woke up, xe discovered xe was still parked at the side of the road. The sky was a calm shade of pink, which meant it was either very early, or very very late. 

Xe reached for the door to the outside- and xe unlocked it.

_ Hypothesis: It’s just you alone in the world right now, and- that’s fine, Xeno. It’s fine. It’s utterly fine, and- let me tell you why it’s fine- it’s because you’re  _ toxic _ , Xeno. _

Xe stepped out. The side of the road was quiet and loud all at once. Alone, except for everyone passing by, onto the next journey.

_ Evidence: You unravel the world around you. You’re not a hero. You were never a hero. They were all wrong about you. Your keeper, your sister, your parents- You’re not here to fix people. You’re not here to make them better. All the doors open to you that offer you freedom require that you destroy something in the process, and you do! Destroy your sister. Destroy her family in turn. Destroy yourself. Destroy the Hospital, destroy places of refuge. Destroy psyches, destroy lives- destroy laws of physics, if you can! That’s how you walked out of the Hospital, and- whether you like it or not, that’s how you’re walking out of here. And- you know what? That’s perfectly fine! _

_ Because, you know what? If there’s anything to take away from this, it’s that you’re god damn  _ powerful _. You shot your reflection in the face, and you didn’t feel anything. You unravel things without even trying. Who the fuck would want to touch that!? Who would want to tear someone open with barbed wire for bones and poison for blood! Being toxic is the best shield you have. Better to be a force of nature than a victim of it. Yeah, the world better stay out of your way. It better watch the hell out, because you’re only here to break it, bit by bit, and atom by atom. _

Xe watched the cars go by for a moment longer. With quiet resolution, xe breathed in. 

The Mad Scientist is a villain, but they’re a villain of collateral. The Mad Scientist doesn’t have to be a bully. They don’t have to actively seek to harm. No, a Mad Scientist’s greatest crime is to  _ want.  _ They are destructive because they  _ want  _ something, something the world was not meant to give them. They want to know more, want to achieve more, want to break free of the rules and the status quo that binds their suffering with as much spectacle as possible- and in reaching for that, they are villains. They are villains, because their quest for satisfaction is futile. They are villains because what would make them happy costs too much to the people around them. 

To Xeno, it is the perfect lens to see xerself. It is the one villainous trope that confirms xe is a bad person, that doesn't actually have to involve xer being outward in xer destruction. Xe never wanted to hurt people. Xe is already certain that xe will. Xeno Cherenkov will cause damage on the way of reaching for what will make xer happy, because that is simply who xe is.

And somehow, as xe stood here, xe realized how much xe was okay with that.

“Alright, Xeno...”

Xe climbed back into the car.

Xe breathed in. Xe breathed out. Xe saw xer glowing reflection in the dashboard, between lines of cracked glass. Xe didn’t want to see xer face right now. Xe didn’t want to see it as anything except the shattered menagerie that looked back through the windshield. Xe didn’t want to see xerself as a human. Those cracks were sacred. 

“-Sometimes people fail you. That’s nothing new. Sometimes, your support nets have got too wide a hole to catch you. And that’s  _ fine! _ You can get back up. You’re still here. It’s time to meet new people! Get a roommate! Start a sitcom! Take over the world! This isn't the end, this is just-”

Xe sucked in a breath, bracing xerself against the steering wheel. Xe swallowed as xe gazed out into the open road. 

“-My origin story."

Meanwhile, in the back of the seat, somewhere where science met belief, the geiger counter began to tick.


End file.
